March 20, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to new research, watching pornography can improve men’s sex lives with their partners. “Still no,” said the researchers’ wives.

2. In a recent interview, Madonna said she would like to go on a date with rapper Drake. Said Drake, “Great, I’ll make a dinner reservation at Hometown Buffett for 4pm.”

3. On Thursday, retailer TJ Maxx pulled from their shelves a t-shirt with the phrase “Hang Loose” alongside an image of a noose. “Does it come in white?” said the KKK.

4. A pro-Hillary Political Action Committee has sprung up rallying support around the idea of making Bill Clinton the First Lady. But, if I know Bill, he’s not gonna stop after the first lady.

5. A pro-Hillary Political Action Committee has sprung up rallying support around the idea of making Bill Clinton the First Lady. A man as First Lady isn’t that novel of an idea when you remember that Barbara Bush held that position for four years.

6. Tesla Motors CEO Elon Musk said on Thursday that his company will soon offer upgrades including hands-free staring it its Model S sedan. “Wait, my car doesn’t already have that? That explains a lot.” said Billy Joel.

7. According to financial experts, GoDaddy’s upcoming IPO is expected to value the company at $2.87 billion. Which seems like a lot for a company, that I’m pretty sure, just makes SuperBowl ads.

8. Good news for people with protruding ears, according to a new study, strangers do notice the ears but don’t make negative personality judgments based on them. So I guess it’s a relief for Prince Charles to know that people aren’t making negative personality judgments based on his ears but rather on his shitty personality.

9. Yesterday, One Direction member Zayn Malik took a leave of absence from the band’s ongoing tour due to stress. And you’d be stressed out too if you had to listen to One Direction music every goddamn night.

10. French comedian Dieudonne M’bala M’bala was fined $24,000 for anti-semetic comments he made in 2013. Because everyone knows, if you don’t like or want to be around Jews, consider a career in comedy.

11. Japanese authorities are investigating death threats made against Caroline Kennedy, the American ambassador to Japan. Authorities are unsure if the threats are serious, but, just to be safe, have asked Kennedy to avoid going near any libraries or book depositories.

12. Some 30,000 pounds of live lobsters from Canada survived for several hours after a truck carrying them slid off a highway in Maine on Wednesday. Said one motorist,”Where’s a truck full of melted butter when you need one?”

13. Oprah Winfrey is selling items from her Chicago apartment to benefit her education foundation. Which is great news for anyone in the market for clothing with extremely elastic waistbands.

14. On Monday, Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz encouraged his baristas to engage customers in conversations about race. Because there’s no better time to have a discussion about a sensitive topic like race than before people have their first cup of coffee in the morning.

15. In a recent interview with ‘Playboy’ magazine, former Vice President Dick Cheney called President Obama the worst president of his lifetime. Adding, “And I should know about terrible presidents because I had a front row seat for eight years.”

16. A bathroom at an Indiana Walmart has been closed indefinitely after an employee discovered a working meth lab inside. Which may explain how Karen was able to work four 24-hour shifts in a row.

17. South African doctors say they have completed the first successful penis transplant surgery. Doctors knew the surgery was a success when the patient sold his Porsche.

18. According to research, being unmarried and alone increases one’s chances of dying early by 30%. So cheer up single ladies in your 40s, it will all be over soon.

19. Over the weekend, 54-year-old Mark Jordan set a Guinness World Record by doing 4,321 pull-ups in 24 hours. “Dude, are you gonna be done with the pull-up bar any time soon?” said the guy behind him at ht gym.

20. It was recently revealed that the personal information of over 50,000 Uber drivers was stolen by hackers. Great idea guys, steal the identities of people so broke that they’ve resorted to giving strangers rides in their own cars.

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