March 19, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to court documents, when real estate heir and accused murderer Robert Durst was arrested on Sunday he had in his possession more than $40,000 and a neck-to-head latex mask to alter his appearance. When asked what he planned on doing with the items, Durst answered, “Nothing,” and then he blinked like 100 times in a row.

2. According to reports, Senator Rand Paul will declare his candidacy for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination on April 7th. Although, considering his chances, April 1st seems more appropriate.

3. According to rumors, Al Gore is considering a run for president in 2016. He already has a campaign slogan, which was Bill Clinton’s favorite saying while in office, “Don’t Tell Hillary.”

4. Yesterday, Vin Diesel announced that his girlfriend gave birth to their third child. I don’t know what’s scarier, that Vin Diesel is responsible for three children or seven Fast & Furious movies.

5. On Tuesday, the Associated Press issued an apology for incorrectly reporting that accused murderer Robert Durst was the lead singer of Limp Bizkit. The craziest part of that story is it was still the best press Limp Bizkit has gotten in years.

6. In a recent interview, President Obama said young voters should put the legalization of marijuana at the bottom of their priority list. Said young voters, “Even if we do that, it will still be at the top of the list because it’s the only thing on our list.”

7. Earlier this week, a flight from Washington D.C. to Denver was forced to make an emergency landing after a passenger ran up and down the aisle telling, “Jihad! Jihad!” But, in that man’s defense, the inflight movie was “Mortdecai.”

8. Paul McCartney will induct Beatles bandmate Ringo Starr into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame next month. And, I like to think, if John and George were alive to day we wouldn’t give a shit about Ringo.

9. In a recent interview with ‘Playboy’ magazine, former Vice President Dick Cheney called President Obama the worst president of his lifetime. Not to be outdone, Biden called Bush a fag in ‘Hustler.’

10. The Texas Rangers plan on opening a concession stand in their stadium for this upcoming season that will only serve different types of fried foods. Which explains the team’s new slogan, “Come for the baseball, stay because you died of a heart-attack.”

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