March 18, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. A bathroom at an Indiana Walmart has been closed indefinitely after an employee discovered a working meth lab inside. No arrests have been made, but authorities would like to talk to Walmart employee No Teeth Joe.

2. In a recent interview, Texas Senator Ted Cruz said, if elected president, he will do away with the Department of Education. Which is a pretty good idea because if Cruz is elected president it will prove that getting an education isn’t important.

3. A Penn State fraternity has been suspended after allegedly posting on Facebook compromising photos of women, including some who appeared to be asleep or passed out. That’s weird, I thought Bill Cosby went to Temple.

4. According to research, being unmarried and alone increases one’s chances of dying early by 30%. Unless, of course, you’re married to Robert Durst.

5. In the season premiere of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians,” Kim Kardashian said, in an effort to get pregnant again, she lays flat after sex to let things marinate. Kim lays flat on her bed, or, as she used to refer to it, work.

6. Yesterday, Secret Service Director Joseph Clancy asked the House Appropriations Committee for $8 million to build a replica of the White House to better train agents. Although, if an intruder has gotten into the White House, you’ve already failed. How about a replica of the fence?

7. The French government is on the verge of passing a bill that would ban excessively thin fashion models. “It is the right thing to do,” said French President Sir Mix-A-Lot.

8. According to a new poll, 69% of Americans are not interested in buying Apple’s new smart watch. Or, more likely, 69% of Americans were too busy with their iPhones to look up and answer a simple question.

9. Last week, an Oregon woman who set herself on fire while driving, crashed her car on an interstate and then jumped off a highway bridge to a park below, survived the whole ordeal. Police say she is either the luckiest or unluckiest woman in the world.

10. Mexico is searching for homes for at least 2,000 tigers, elephants, giraffes, zebras and other animals that will soon be banned from the country’s circuses. Said a few entrepreneurial Mexicans, “Do you have any donkeys?”

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