March 17, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, the U.K.’s Prince Harry announced, after nearly a decade of service in the British military, he has decided to leave the armed forces. Harry said he wants to focus on his real life passion of doing absolutely nothing.

2. Thailand’s military government warned women on Monday against posting ‘selfie’ photos of the lower half of their breasts saying such actions could violate the country’s computer crime laws. That story again, Thailand has completely missed the point of the internet.

3. A Pakistani motorcyclist has been arrested in the city of Lahore after police caught him riding naked along a busy road. When police apprehended the man he was in the process of revving his hog, and he was also gunning the motorcycle’s engine.

4. It was reported yesterday that former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney has agreed to fight former world heavyweight champion Evander Holyfield for charity. Not to be outdone, Chris Christie has challenged Butterbean to a pie-eating contest.

5. BlackBerry unveiled its newest smartphone yesterday that was designed by Porsche and costs nearly $2,000. It’s a great way to let people know you have a tiny penis even when you’re not driving your Porsche.

6. According to a new survey, thirty percent of adults in the U.S. have taken steps to hide their information from government surveillance programs. Because nothing says “I’m very protective over my personal information” like answering a question posed by a complete stranger on that very topic.

7. Despite the ubiquity of online fitness videos, experts say aging baby-boomers still prefer to use instructional DVDs to exercise. Which makes sense, because boomers really break a sweat trying to figure out how to put the workout DVD into their VCRs.

8. South African doctors have achieved what they call the world’s first successful penis transplant operation. “Depends on what you call successful,” said the penis donor.

9. According to a new study, a simple vision test using a stopwatch and flashcards can help parents and coaches diagnose young athletes with concussions. The way it works is, if your kid can’t tell the difference between the stopwatch and the flashcards, he has a concussion.

10. On Friday, Pope Francis said the devil is punishing Mexico with criminal violence. While the devil is apparently punishing the U.S. with another “Grown Ups” film.

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