March 16, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. The Milwaukee Brewers have banned their players from high-fifing each other to prevent the spread of a pink-eye outbreak. Despite appearances, the New York Mets haven’t banned high fives, they just haven’t had any reason to celebrate.

2. Atlanta megachurch pastor Creflo Dollar is asking his congregation to sow $300 or more per person to help him achieve his goal of purchasing a private plane. Said Creflo, “It will make the perfect getaway vehicle for when I steal the rest of your money.”

3. Over the weekend Sarah Palin’s daughter Bristol got engaged to Medal of Honor winner Dakota Meyer. Which can only mean one thing, Bristol’s pregnant again.

4. Yesterday, New York real estate heir and focus of HBO’s docu-series “The Jinx,” Robert Durst was arrested for a murder that happened more than 14 years ago. “The police can do that!?!” said O.J.

5. On Sunday, in response to the upcoming documentary film about Scientology, the church released a letter calling the movie a “bogus propaganda piece” that has “at least one major error every two minutes.” Which means the upcoming Brian Williams bio-pic will have to come up with a new tag line.

6. CNN is set to air an exclusive interview with Britain’s Prince Charles this week. So if you’re interested in watching an out-of-touch and behind the times institution that no longer serves a relevant purpose, it will be interviewing Prince Charles this week.

7. The men’s 20 kilometers race walk record was broken on Sunday when Japan’s Yusuke Suzuki set a new record at the Asian Race Walking Championships. That record was immediately broken by all the disinterested spectators trying to get as far away from the Asian Race Walking Championships as possible.

8. Pope Francis announced on Friday that he is convoking a jubilee year to be called the Holy Year which will focus on the topic of mercy. This stands in stark contrast to last year’s theme of getting revenge on all your enemies.

9. The Norwegian Arctic islands of Svalbard are discouraging last-minute visitors for a rare solar eclipse next week, warning that hotels are full, it will be freezing cold and polar bears are on the prowl. But, if polar bears are on the prowl, shouldn’t there be some hotel openings?

10. BlackBerry said on Saturday it will be launching a new high-security tablet. Hackers will be unable to get anyone’s personal information off the BlackBerry’s high-security tablet because no one will buy one.

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