1. Spanish-language television network Univision fired contributor Rodner Figueroa after he likened first lady Michelle Obama to a cast member of the film “Planet of the Apes.” And, in unrelated news, President Obama is reportedly reconsidering his immigration policy.
2. According to a new study, getting on the scale every day may boost enthusiasm for healthy behaviors and lead to greater weight loss. Or, more likely, you throwing out your scale.
3. Akron police are looking for an unidentified man who has defecated on the hoods of at least 19 vehicles. Authorities believe the number could be hirer but it is impossible for Toyota Carolla owners to tell the difference between their car and a piece of shit.
4. Professional basketball player Iman Shumpert is angry, alleging the TV show “Empire” ripped him off by basing a character on him. While Dennis Rodman says “Downton Abbey” is basically his life story.
5. It was announced yesterday that actress Kerry Washington will play the part of Anita Hill in an upcoming HBO film. “I’m available to run lines,” said Clarence Thomas.
6. On Thursday, Disney announced that the eighth installment in the “Star Wars” sci-fi film series will be released on May 26, 2017. Said Star Wars fans, “I haven’t been this excited about a date since I took my cousin to prom.”
7. An Alabama agency has closed an investigation into whether Harper Lee, the 88-year-old author of “To Kill a Mockingbird,” was manipulated into the publication of a second novel after she made it clear that she wanted it in print. Although, the majority of the investigation was explaining to the people of Alabama what a book is.
8. According to health experts, a world free of tobacco and its devastating health consequences could be a reality within 30 years. Although, I think those health experts are drastically underestimating the lifespan of Keith Richards.
9. A federal jury on Thursday awarded $76,000 to seven fans who sued the National Football League over a seating fiasco at the 2011 SuperBowl. Said the NFL, “Does anyone have change for $100 billion?”
10. A condolence letter from President Lyndon B. Johnson to the widow of slain civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. was sold for $60,000 at auction on Thursday. While the condolence letter to the widow of James Earl Ray sold for considerably less.
11. After hearing testimony from a valet that he saw former New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez carrying a gun, testimony from a ballistics expert that bullets found in Hernandez’s rental car matched those used to kill Odin Lloyd and testimony from a police officer that Hernandez’s DNA was found at the crime scene, yesterday, the judge instructed the jury to disregard testimony from a gun expert. Said the judge, “Much like what the defendant is being accused of, at this point, this testimony is overkill.”
12. Two men, one armed with a gun, were caught on camera late Tuesday morning mugging a South African journalist in Johannesburg as he prepared for a live TV report. But they’re pretty shitty criminals, because I’ve seen the video, which means they didn’t steal the cameras.
13. O.J. Simpson is reportedly worried that he’ll die in prison. Said O.J., “Everyone deserves the dignity of dying in their own home next to the waiter or waitress they’re boning.”
14. Malaysian Prime Minister Najib Razak said he remains committed to the search for the missing MH370 jetliner a year after it vanished without a trace. “Trust us, don’t continue to go down the path of a lost plane when everyone already knows it will just end in disappointment,” said the writers of “Lost.”
15. Last week, the TSA found a chihuahua in a passenger’s checked luggage at New York’s LaGuardia Airport. Authorities were relieved upon opening the suitcase to find the dog was still alive and not, as they initially thought, a normal-sized New York City rat.
16. A 25-year-old American man was rescued by the U.S. Coast Guard after he tried to walk from Detroit to Canada across a frozen lake. The man is known as idiot Jesus.