March 12, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. The Washington Post reported on Wednesday that two Secret Service agents crashed a government vehicle after leaving a party last week while possibly drunk. Which explains why the White House has established the Secret Secret Service whose role is to protect the President from the Secret Service.

2. According to a newly published study, the use of psychedelic drugs is not linked to an increased risk of mental illness. Unless, of course, you consider being a Phish fan a mental illness.

3. According to a new study, if you want to avoid having narcissistic children, do not ‘overvalue’ them. “Uh-oh,” said Woody Allen.

4. Thomas Jackson, the Chief of Police in Ferguson, Missouri resigned yesterday. So good luck filling the position of Chief of Police in Ferguson, Missouri.

5. A Swiss organization that helps people take their own lives and defends their right to refuse medical treatment, says it membership reached a record high last year. Sounds like they’re not doing their job very well.

6. Islamic State militants have desecrated another ancient Iraqi capital, razing parts of the 2,700-year-old city of Khorsabad. As a result, Larry King has hired an extra bodyguard.

7. On Wednesday, the International Monetary Fund loaned Ukraine $17.5 billion. The IMF warned Ukraine to be fiscally conservative, use the money to stabilize their economy and, under no circumstances, tell Putin where they are keeping it.

8. Yesterday, the FTC charged DirecTV with fraud, claiming that it misled customers when it advertised a 12-month package for $19.95 per month, but failed to mention it required a two year contract where the price in the second year jumped to $45 per month. Which explains DirecTV’s newest commercial starring Rob Lowe and Failure to Read the Fine Print Rob Lowe.

9. This week, a jury found singers Robin Thicke and Pharrell Williams guilty of plagiarizing from Motown great Marvin Gaye when they created their hit single “Blurred Lines.” And, in even more bad news for the duo, they are now being sued by Fat Albert over their use of the phrase “Hey, hey, hey.”

10. Yesterday, on his radio show, Rush Limbaugh argued that if the racist song caught on camera being sung by the SAE fraternity at Oklahoma University had been rapped by Kanye West, it would be a smash hit. Which I guess is Limbaugh admitting that he thought the tune was rather catchy.

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