March 11, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, actor Chuck Norris turned 75-years-old. I never thought I’d see the day when Walker, Texas Ranger really needed a walker.

2. According to a sci-fi website, the upcoming Star Wars novel “Lords of the Sith,” will feature an Imperial official named Moff Mors, who is the first gay character in the history of Star Wars. If that’s the case, I guess I really misread C3PO and R2D2’s relationship.

3. Just a day after Apple revealed its new Apple Watch, knock-off versions have appeared for sale on the streets of China. The real and fake watches have many similarities, including an interactive face, a long lasting battery and both were made by small Chinese children.

4. Hillary Clinton, under attack for using a personal email address to conduct U.S. State Department business, defended the practice on Tuesday as a matter of “convenience.” Which, coincidentally, is also the adjective she uses to describe her marriage.

5. According to a recent survey, more young people in Britain are learning about sex at school than ever before. Researchers are attributing this to sluttier teachers.

6. Yesterday, Houston Texan Jadeveon Clowney, the No. 1 pick in the 2014 NFL draft who was injured for most of his rookie season, was bitten by a pit bull belonging to a teammate. Texans head coach Bill O’Brien called the incident “unfortunate,” while quarterback Michael Vick called it, “a trip down memory lane.”

7. According to a new study, for people with heart disease, high levels of stress coupled with depression increase the risk of heart attack and death. That story again, bad things are still bad for you.

8. As a result of a court ruling, the drug ecstasy was legal for a few hours in Ireland yesterday. Irish ecstasy-enthusiasts were unable to get glow sticks on such short notice, but, fortunately, were able to use their blinding pale arms as substitutes.

9. Organizers of a Spanish-style running of the bulls agreed on Tuesday to stop holding their event in California. A similar decision was recently made by Derrick Rose in Chicago.

10. Ferret ownership remains illegal in New York City after heath officials on Tuesday decided not to overturn a decades-long ban on keeping the animal as a pet. So remember, that’s not a ferret in your apartment, it’s just a freakishly long rat.

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