March 10, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Apple unveiled an 18-karat gold version of its new iWatch priced at $10,000. It’s perfect for the person who really wants to get mugged.

2. On Monday, AMC ordered a prequel series to its zombie show ‘Walking Dead.’ The show will focus on the events leading up to and causing the zombie apocalypse, which is weird, because I always assumed that’s what “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” was about.

3. Yesterday, former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee compared the Clintons’ brand of politics to the tactics used by mob boss Michael Corleone in ‘the Godfather.’ Although, at least according to recent pictures, it looks like Huckabee is the one who’s been taking the cannolis.

4. HBO’s streaming service, HBOGo, will launch on all Apple mobile devices next month, just in time for the season premiere of ‘Game of Thrones.’ Said fans of the show, “Not sure we really need that mobile capability since we rarely leave our parent’s basement.”

5. Suspected environmental activists have threatened to contaminate infant formula in New Zealand in an attempt to halt the use of an agricultural poison on such pests as rats. You had me at less babies and lost me at more rats.

6. Ray L. Richter, Ferguson’s municipal judge, has resigned after the U.S. Justice Department found the court participated in unlawful targeting of African-Americans. Richter said he’s not sure who would hire him now that he’s being characterized as a racist, but then his phone rang and it was FoxNews.

7. According to a new study, men are more narcissistic than women. The study was conducted by listening to any Kanye interview, ever.

8. A man in Japan has invented the first talking anime body pillow. To make it as realistic as possible the pillow says phrases like “Help me” and “I’m being held here against my will.”

9. Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus announced last week that it will eliminate all its elephant acts by 2018. So now, if you go to the circus, the creepy, almost sexual, relationship between the lions and the lion tamer will be the only elephant in the room.

10. On Sunday, South Carolina Republican Senator Lindsey Graham admitted that he’s never sent a single email. Adding, “I had to find out that President Obama was a secret Muslim the old fashioned way, racism.”

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