March 9, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Senator John McCain said he doesn’t use email because he wouldn’t want to make a bad decision in the heat of the moment and send something he’d later regret. Because if anyone knows about making hasty, regrettable decision, it’s the guy who chose Sarah Palin as his running mate.

2. Russian authorities arrested two men on Saturday in the killing of Boris Nemtsov, President Vladimir Putin’s most outspoken critic. For safety purposes the names of the two men have not been released, but for clarity they will be referred to as Scapegoat #1 and Scapegoat #2.

3. Due to an unseasonably warm winter in Alaska, the annual Iditarod Dog Sled Race was forced to change venues to a place with more snow. The race will be held literally anywhere else in the country.

4. Yesterday was International Women’s Day. Or, as Chris Brown thought of it, Sunday.

5. Tens of thousands of people walked across a Selma, Alabama bridge on Sunday to reenact and commemorate the 50th anniversary of a turning point in the U.S. civil rights movement. “We’re not gonna reenact ever important civil rights moment in history, right?” said the guy playing the part of Martin Luther King, Jr.

6. An investigation is underway after Jagger, a canine competitor, died just a day after taking part in Crufts, one of the world’s most prestigious dog shows, with the autopsy revealing that the animal was poisoned. It was a devastating blow to the dog’s owner since it came only one day after Jagger placed second in the competition and first in the chocolate eating contest.

7. The West Virginia legislature on Friday banned abortions after 20 weeks of pregnancy, except in cases of rape of incest. But, considering this is West Virginia that we’re talking about, seems like the incest exception really curtails the effectiveness of that law.

8. The LA Galaxy beat the Chicago Fire 2-0 on Friday to kick off the 20th season of Major League Soccer. So congratulations American sports fans, you’ve ignored something for 20 years.

9. In a recent interview, singer Madonna called Kanye West “the new Madonna.” Said Kanye, “That’s ridiculous, everyone knows Madonna had sex with God to give birth to the baby Jesus and I can’t have sex with myself.”

10. According to a new study, oxytocin, the so-called “love hormone” released during sex, may aid in weight loss in men. Said married women to their husbands, “Looks like you’re gonna stay fat.”

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