10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. According to a new study, men are programmed to want more than one woman, even when in monogamous relationships. Especially when the woman in that monogamous relationship has such hot friends.

2. The Arizona Diamondbacks announced on Tuesday they play to sell a Churro Dog which consists of a warm cinnamon churro sitting inside a glazed chocolate donut, topped with frozen yogurt and caramel and chocolate sauces. It’s all part of the Diamondbacks plan to boost ticket sales by getting their fans so fat that they’ll be forced to buy two seats.

3. During the first day of the Boston Marathon bomber’s trial, Judy Clarke, the attorney representing Dzhokhar Tsarnaev began her opening statement by pointing to Tsarnaev and saying, “It was him.” Which Clarke immediately followed with, “Oh shit, wait, I can I start again?”

4. Residents of Hamburg’s nightclub district are exacting their revenge on late-night revelers who urinate on buildings with a new high-tech paint that sends the spray bouncing right back at them. The paint comes in canary yellow, crimson red and R Kelly green.

5. According to a new study, North Korea has the smallest penis size in the world with an average of 3.8 inches. Which means Kim Jong Un’s uncle isn’t the only thing the Supreme Leader hasn’t seen in years.

6. In an interview on Sunday, painter Nelson Shanks said he hid the shadow of Monica Lewinsky’s infamous blue dress in a portrait of former-President Bill Clinton that hangs in the National Portrait Gallery in Washington D.C. Although some are skeptical of Shank’s story, saying they only see a shadow of a white and gold dress.

7. A new portrait of Britain’s long-reigning Queen Elizabeth, which will appear on the nation’s money, was unveiled on Monday. Marking the first time in the history of mankind a woman can’t get angry if you ask her if “she’s put on a few pounds.”

8. The stolen $150,000 Oscar gown worn by actress Lupita Nyong’o was returned on Friday by the thief after learning the pearls that made up the dress were fake. And every man knows that feeling of disappointment when you take off her dress only to find out they’re not real.

9. Last week in Pittsburgh, a woman was arrested for driving drunk on her way to an orgy. The woman was hoping the officer would just give her a ticket so she could get off.

10. In a recent interview, Apple CEO Tim Cook said the new Apple Watch will eventually replace car keys. Adding, “I don’t mean you will use your watch to unlock your car doors, but the iWatch will be so expensive that you won’t be able to afford a car.”

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