March 5, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. The Arizona Diamondbacks announced on Tuesday they play to sell a Churro Dog which consists of a warm cinnamon churro sitting inside a glazed chocolate donut, topped with frozen yogurt and caramel and chocolate sauces. It’s all part of the Diamondbacks plan to boost ticket sales by getting their fans so fat that they’ll be forced to buy two seats.

2. McDonalds announced that it will start selling antibiotic-free chicken in all its restaurants. Because McDonalds customers are notoriously picky about what they put in their bodies.

3. During the first day of the Boston Marathon bomber’s trial, Judy Clarke, the attorney representing Dzhokhar Tsarnaev began her opening statement by pointing to Tsarnaev and saying, “It was him.” Which Clarke immediately followed with, “Oh shit, wait, I can I start again?”

4. This week, Kanye West gave an impromptu 20-minute speech at Oxford University after being asked a single question. That question: Can you please get off the stage so Taylor Swift can perform?

5. Residents of Hamburg’s nightclub district are exacting their revenge on late-night revelers who urinate on buildings with a new high-tech paint that sends the spray bouncing right back at them. The paint comes in canary yellow, crimson red and R Kelly green.

6. John Sylvan, the man who invented the single-serve coffee Keurig machine said he wishes he hadn’t introduced it to the world. “I know the feeling,” said John McCain.

7. According to a new study, New Yorkers spend 60% of their income on rent. “I told you,” said Jimmy McMillian.

8. Retired brain surgeon and potential 2016 presidential candidate Ben Carson caused a stir when he said that prisoners who become gay when they are locked up prove that being gay is a choice. Said an ex-con, “I agree, if by ‘choice’ you mean that I picked out a particularly slippery bar of soap that day.”

9. Scientists have found that adults only get the flu twice a decade on average. “Interesting,” said your boss.

10. Conrad Hilton the brother of celebrity heiress Paris Hilton, pled guilty to an assault charge for threatening flight attendants on a Los Angeles-bound flight last year. But don’t worry Conrad, there’s absolutely no way you can disgrace that name at this point.

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