March 4, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, North Korea has the smallest penis size in the world with an average of 3.8 inches. Which means Kim Jong Un’s uncle isn’t the only thing the Supreme Leader hasn’t seen in years.

2. Workers digging under a Paris supermarket uncovered over 200 skeletons. To see that many skeletons in another place you’d have to travel all the way to Bill Cosby’s closet.

3. A Massachusetts State Police trooper testified on Tuesday that he found the fingerprints of Aaron Hernandez, two friends and a man they allegedly killed in a car the former Patriot returned to a rental agency. “But, it should be noted, I returned it with a full tank of gas,” said Hernandez.

4. Two high school teachers in California have been arrested for having sex with students and giving them drugs. But, in their defense, those kids are now very prepared for college.

5. Former White House intern Monica Lewinsky has agreed to give a TED talk later this month. Her speech is expected to cover such topics as tabloid journalism, the downside of fame and what to do with the balls.

6. Hillary Clinton is being criticized for using her personal email address, rather than one provided by the State Department, during her four years as Secretary of State. Said Bill Clinton, “I support my wife no matter the email account she uses. The important thing is that this ends here and no one starts digging into secret email accounts that people may or may not have.”

7. On Tuesday, Jeb Bush called for more transparency from Hillary Clinton after revelations that she used her personal email while at the State Department. While Jeb’s brother George has called for people to stop using big words like ‘transparency.’

8. Taco Bell is testing a new item called Cap’n Crunch balls which are balls of sweet dough, covered in crushed cereal and filled with a milk icing. Taco Bell reportedly got the idea when they realized some of their customers didn’t have diabetes yet.

9. Over the weekend, Jeb Bush told an audience that he is not familiar with the ways of Washington, despite being related to two former presidents. Just to reiterate, that story again, a guy with the last name ‘Bush’ is claiming to be a Washington outsider.

10. According to a new study, only 6% of men actually need extra large condoms. The study was conducted somewhere other than North Korea.

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