March 3, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. In an interview on Sunday, painter Nelson Shanks said he hid the shadow of Monica Lewinsky’s infamous blue dress in a portrait of former-President Bill Clinton that hangs in the National Portrait Gallery in Washington D.C. Although some are skeptical of Shank’s story, saying they only see a shadow of a white and gold dress.

2. NHL player Jordan Leopold was traded to the Minnesota Wild this week after Leopold’s 11-year-old daughter wrote a letter to the team begging them to trade for her dad so he could come home. And, in a related story, Adrian Peterson’s son has written a letter to the Minnesota Vikings asking them to trade his dad as far away from home as possible.

3. According to research, teenagers in North Carolina who try to buy e-cigarettes online are likely to succeed even though selling the devices to minors is illegal in the state. “Duly noted,” said teenagers.

4. A new portrait of Britain’s long-reigning Queen Elizabeth, which will appear on the nation’s money, was unveiled on Monday. Marking the first time in the history of mankind a woman cannot get angry if you ask her if “she’s put on a few pounds.”

5. According to a new study, peanuts may reduce the risk of death from heart disease. So, looks like we’re stuck with Jimmy Carter for a while.

6. The stolen $150,000 Oscar gown worn by actor Lupita Nyong’o was returned on Friday by the thief after learning the pearls that made up the dress were fake. And every man knows that feeling of disappointment when you take off her dress only to find out they’re not real.

7. According to a new study, many parents ask doctors to spread out toddlers’ vaccines instead of following the recommended immunization schedules. Said toddlers, “Yeah, we might die from preventable diseases, but, on the plus-side, spreading out the shots means more lollipops.”

8. On Tuesday, the NBA suspended Houston Rockets guard James Harden one game for kicking Cleveland Cavalier forward LeBron James in the groin. Said sports commentators, “That seems high. Not the number of games, but LeBron’s voice.”

9. Former Toronto mayor Rob Ford is auctioning off the tie he wore when he admitted to using crack cocaine. Whereupon he will use the auction money to buy more crack, go on TV in a suit and tie to apology and then auction off that tie for crack money. Said Ford, “It’s the perfect plan.”

10. Plastic surgeons are finding that more women are shunning breast augmentation surgery in favor of butt enlargements. Because everyone knows you don’t put a second story on a house with a shaky foundation.

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