March 2, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. The Kardashian family has signed a deal worth an estimated $100 million with the E! network keeping them on air for the next four years. Unless, of course, their demands are met.

2. Last week in Pittsburgh, a woman was arrested for driving drunk on her way to an orgy. The woman was hoping the officer would just give her a ticket so she could get off.

3. Police in Florida are looking for man who stole 360,000 nickels from a house party. Their number one suspect is Larry who keeps making it rain at the laundromat.

4. Google submitted plans on Friday to vastly expand its headquarters in Silicon Valley. While AskJeeves wants to know if it’s cool if he “crashes on your couch for like a week.”

5. In a recent interview, Apple CEO Tim Cook said the new Apple Watch will eventually replace car keys. Adding, “I don’t mean you will use your watch to unlock your car doors, but the iWatch will be so expensive that you won’t be able to afford a car.”

6. The National Basketball Association on Friday hailed the death of Earl Lloyd, the first African-American to play in an NBA game, “as a huge loss.” While Donald Sterling hailed it as “a step in the right direction.”

7. According to a new study, female athletes have more concussions than male athletes. But, that’s just because women suck at sports.

8. On Saturday, Russian President Vladimir Putin said he would assume “personal control” of the investigation into the killing of Boris Nemtsov, Putin’s main political opponent. An investigation that will undoubtedly be as exhaustive and effectives as when O.J. looked for the real killer.

9. Singer Justin Bieber turned 21 over the weekend. I bet he’s so psyched to finally find out what alcohol tastes like.

10. Samsung unveiled its new Galaxy S6 smartphone featuring a slim body made from aircraft-grade metal. Which comes in handy when you throw it across the room because you can’t get any reception.

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