February 26, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Chris Soules, the current Bachelor, said it was uncomfortable after a contestant kissed him right after discussing her dead husband. It was especially uncomfortable since, during last week’s episode, the same contestant said she would kill her husband for Chris.

2. New research shows marijuana is by far the least dangerous recreational drug. Unless, of course, the steps to your parent’s basement are not up to code.

3. Last week, a man in Florida threatened to blow up a bar after the bartender wouldn’t let him pay his tab with a rock. But, in the man’s defense, he was in Florida and it was a rock of crystal meth.

4. The Washington Post reported on Wednesday that Donald Trump is seriously considering running for president in 2016. Said Trump, “Yeah, we’re doing this whole charade again.”

5. A county branch of the Republican Party in Idaho has put forth a proposal to label Idaho as a Christian state. “You can have it,” said Jews.

6. The U.S. Supreme Court on Wednesday ruled that a North Carolina state dental board does not have the authority to regulate teeth-whitening services in the state. “Well, that’s a relief,” said the three people in North Carolina with teeth.

7. At Wednesday’s BRIT Awards in London, Madonna accidentally fell off the stage while performing. As a result, the “I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up” old lady is suing for copyright infringement.

8. It was announced this week that Apple’s new iOS will include African-American emojis. And, really, isn’t that better than getting nominated for an Oscar, Selma?

9. Attorneys for Bill Cosby plan to ask a federal judge to dismiss a defamation lawsuit filed against the comedian by three women who said he called them liars when they accused him of sexual assault. If successful, I’m sure it will be nothing but clear-sailing for Bill Cosby from there on out.

10. The Ku Klux Klan is angry that Alabama has legalized same-sex marriage. Well, not the entire KKK, Larry, the member who keeps suggesting they stop wearing white after Labor Day, seems pretty psyched about the ruling.

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