February 25, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. A woman in Mexico was arrested this week after being caught masturbating during a screening of “Fifty Shades of Grey.” Said the woman, “I gave it two thumbs up, and the movie wasn’t bad either.”

2. Yesterday, Alaska became the third state to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. Said Alaskan officials, “The goal is to smoke enough weed to forget that we’re responsible for Sarah Palin.”

3. A team of researchers studying insects in Africa has named a newly discovered species of wasp with a distinctive yellow and black pattern after Boston Bruins goalie Tuuka Rask. Marking the first time an animal has been named after an athlete since they named the pin-striped weasel after A-Rod.

4. On Tuesday, a bill advanced through the Oklahoma state House of Representatives that would protect a parent’s right to take a child to conversion therapy aimed at eliminating same-sex attraction. Ironically, if the bill is successful, it will lead to Oklahoma being the state with the least entertaining versions of “Oklahoma!”

5. According to a new study, receiving counseling over the phone can help new mothers who are suffering from postpartum depression. Unless the have a flip-phone, then it’s only gonna add to the depression.

6. Singer Chris Brown said on Tuesday he was denied entry into Canada for scheduled concerts in Montreal and Toronto. That’s okay, but if those are the rules, you gotta take Bieber back.

7. The Brazilian judge residing over criminal proceedings against Eike Bautista, once Brazil’s richest man, was seen on Tuesday driving a Porsche belonging to the fallen tycoon that had been seized by the court. Said Bautista, “Wait, is that my robe?”

8. Yesterday, President Obama vetoed a Republican bill that was aimed at building the Keystone XL oil pipeline. Said Republicans, “Never thought we’d see the day we missed Bill Clinton, but at least that guy was always in favor of laying some pipe.”

9. President Obama will meet with Liberian President Ellen Johnson Sirleaf in Washington next week to get an update on the progress his government is making fighting Ebola in West Africa. Although, it seems like the smarter move would be to hear if they are making any progress before meeting with him.

10. NASCAR suspended 2004 Sprint Cup champion Kurt Busch indefinitely on Friday after a court found him guilty of domestic violence because, apparently, NASCAR doesn’t understand their target audience.

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