February 24, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Italian soccer player Martin Castrogiovanni is set to miss Saturday’s Six Nations match against Scotland after being bitten on the nose by a friend’s dog. Said Castrogiovanni, “Thank god I only put the peanut butter on my nose.”

2. On Monday, in a surgery that lasted over 24 hours, a Texas hospital medical team successfully separated twins who were joined at the abdomen and shared a liver, diaphragm, pelvis, intestines and the lining of the heart. “That was such a rough day and I can’t even unwind by having a drink,” said the one who didn’t get the liver.

3. Sunday’s Academy Awards telecast on ABC drew its smallest audience in six years with 36.6 million viewers tuning in. And that figure even includes Robert Duvall and Clint Eastwood, who both fell asleep halfway through the broadcast.

4. The North Korean government has banned foreign runners from participating in this year’s Mangyongdae Marathon to be held in Pyongyang in April. Said North Korean citizens, “We don’t have any interest in participating either, unless, of course, the finish line is in South Korea.”

5. Yesterday it was announced that Honda CEO Takandou Ito will step down from his post in June. And, as per custom, when that date arrives, Ito will be abandoned on the side of the road.

6. On Monday, residents of northern Kiev burned an effigy of Russian President Vladimir Putin. Said Putin, “That’s why I don’t wear shirts, they’re very flammable.”

7. According to a new study, parents who wash dishes by hand are less likely to have kids with allergies. Because if you can’t afford a dishwasher, you can’t afford to have your kids diagnosed with allergies.

8. Anagog, an Israel-based company, has developed an app that can guide drivers to empty, on-street parking spots using real time, crowd-sourced data from mobile phones. Analog’s next project will be an app that automatically calls a tow truck for when you inevitably hit another car because you were busy looking at your phone to find a parking space.

9. PreventForcedMarriage.org, a new website aimed at tackling the hidden problem of forced marriage in the U.S. went active online yesterday. “Well, I had a good run,” said Tom Cruise.

10. Warren Buffett’s 2006 Cadillac attracted a high bid of $122,500, more than 10 times its market value, in a charity auction last week. So safe to say that the person who bought the car for ten times its actually value has absolutely nothing in common with its previous owner.

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