10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. Little Ceasar’s has come out with a new deep dish pizza featuring a crust wrapped in bacon. Which explains their new slogan, “Et tu, Fattie.”

2. According to a new poll, one-third of Americans believe Hollywood does not pay proper attention to minorities and women. While the other two-thirds are Oscar voters.

3. A woman on death row in Georgia wants her last meal before her execution to be Burger King. Which seems redundant.

4. Yesterday was Dr. Dre’s 50th birthday. Hopefully you didn’t forget about him.

5. This week Pope Francis announced that the Vatican will be offering free haircuts to the homeless on Mondays. But, speaking as a Jewish male, I have a deep-seated distrust of trust holy men with scissors.

6. Rapper Vanilla Ice was arrested on Wednesday after police said he stole furniture, a pool heater and other items from a neighbor’s home. Vanilla Ice reportedly used his one phone call to send word to his mother.

7. Lawyers for former New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez alleged sloppy police work in the murder investigation yesterday in court. Said the lawyers, “Don’t ask us how we know this, but you got the order of things completely wrong.”

8. According to a new study, people who smoke marijuana every day have five times the normal risk of hearing voices. Yeah, that’s your parents upstairs, you still live in their basement.

9. German Chancellor Angela Merkel called the new Russian-Ukrainian ceasefire agreement “a glimmer of hope, no more, no less.” Of course the last time someone uttered that phrase with a German accent it was a Bond villain.

10. “Fifty Shades of Grey” took in $81.7 million over the weekend to soar to the top of the U.S box office. So you should probably expect this year’s birthday check from you aunt to be for a little less than usual.

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