February 18, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Lawyers for former New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez alleged sloppy police work in the murder investigation yesterday in court. Said the lawyers, “Don’t ask us how we know this, but you got the order of things completely wrong.”

2. Yesterday, former-professional golfer Frank Nobilo said one of the reasons Tiger Woods dominated the game in the early 2000s is because he had access to better equipment. But Wood’s competition began to catch up with him once everyone got their hands on his equipment, literally.

3. According to a new study, fifty percent of women will experience hot flashes and night sweats characteristic of menopause for about seven years. While the remaining fifty percent will undoubtedly find something else to complain about.

4. According to a new study, people who smoke marijuana every day have five times the normal risk of hearing voices. Yeah, that’s your parents upstairs, you still live in their basement.

5. New research shows that alcohol may actually help elderly women live longer. The study was conducted by horny elderly men.

6. According to a new study, men view women with larger butts as better workers. Although, I think the scientists may have misinterpreted men’s use of the phrase, “Oh, she’s workin’ it.”

7. On Tuesday, disgraced New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez penned a heartfelt, handwritten apology letter, taking responsibility for all “the mistakes” he made that led to his PED suspension. Whereupon the note immediately won the 2015 Pulitzer Prize for fiction.

8. Government surveyors announced this week that the Washington Monument is actually ten inches shorter than originally believed. Or, as the surveyors put it, “I’ve seen bigger.”

9. Government surveyors announced this week that the Washington Monument is actually ten inches shorter than originally believed. “That’s alright, I’m more interested in girth anyway,” said the Grand Canyon.

10. After the latest wave of bad weather, this February is now the snowiest month in Boston’s history. So, if you thought Tom Brady’s balls were deflated before…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.