February 17, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Web visitors who go to Ithaca, New York’s tourism website will now see a pop-up ad banner that will implore them to go to Florida instead due to this year’s harsh winter. Although, I’ve been Ithaca, you could probably just leave that banner no matter the season.

2. Marathon runner Hyvon Ngetich’s legs gave out with less than two-tenths of a mile left in Sunday’s Austin Marathon, but still managed to crawl to a third place finish. So, looks like you’re all out excuses, you lazy babies

3. North Korea said Monday it is not worried about a threat to refer the country to the International Criminal Court for crimes against humanity, because it is not guilty. And they may have a point, they did their best to protect us from the terrible “Interview” movie.

4. On Sunday, the New York Knicks reached an agreement to buy-out the remaining two months on six-time NBA All-Star Amar’e Stoudemire’s contract, making him a free agent. Or, as Stoudemire referred to it, granting him parole.

5. Yesterday, singer Lady Gaga announced her engagement to longtime boyfriend, actor Taylor Kinney. “You’ve had a boyfriend this whole time!?!” said a disappointed Tony Bennett.

6. Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore defended his decision to try to ban gay marriage by telling reporters that he’s “had many friends who are homosexual.” Emphasis on “had.”

7. Ukraine officials say that while Vladimir Putin was announcing a ceasefire agreement last week, over a hundred Russian military vehicles and weapons were crossing into Ukrainian territory. Which explains why Putin’s speech was “Hey, look at me. Pay attention to me. Don’t look over there.”

8. Al Qaeda militants freed six of their fighters from a southern Yemeni prison during an attack on the facility Friday. Prison guards became suspicious when six Al Qaeda inmates all hung up Raquel Welsh posters in their cells at the exact same time.

9. Lawmakers in Utah’s House of Representatives voted narrowly on Friday to approve a bill that would reintroduce the use of firing squads for executions in the state. Said lawmakers, “We’re sick of progress.”

10. According to a new study, therapeutic tape reduces chronic muscle pain better than no treatment at all but isn’t better than other methods. Unless, of course, that tape is Enya’s international smash hit “On My Way Home.”

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