February 16, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. German Chancellor Angela Merkel called the new Russian-Ukrainian ceasefire agreement “a glimmer of hope, no more, no less.” Of course the last time someone uttered that phrase with a German accent it was a Bond villain.

2. A Kentucky woman is set to marry a man whom she first met when she gave him her kidney as part of a donor program. So I guess they have the “something borrowed” covered.

3. In honor of the 30th anniversary of the release of “The Breakfast Club,” the movie will be shown in select theaters around the country this March. And yes, that was Ally Sheedy who tore you ticket, and no, it’s not a promotion, she actually works there.

4. With the resignation of Oregon’s Governor John Kitzhaber, Secretary of State Kate Brown is set to become the nation’s first openly bisexual governor. And, even though she’s a Democrat, it’s safe to say, she’s gonna work both sides of the aisle.

5. Running back Ray Rice, released by the Baltimore Ravens after video surfaced of him knocking his then-finance Janay Rice unconscious in an elevator, apologized on Friday to the team and the city of Baltimore. “Ahem!!!” said Janay.

6. The NFL revealed on Friday that Commissioner Roger Goodell earned $35 million in 2013. Marking the first time anyone has profited that much off of domestic violence since Ike Turner.

7. The New York Yankees have offered Yankee Stadium as a potential site for Alex Rodriguez to make his apology following his season-long suspension for performance-enhancing drugs. Although, I’m not sure that’s a big enough facility to house all the people he needs to apologize to.

8. “Fifty Shades of Grey” took in $81.7 million over the weekend to soar to the top of the U.S box office. So you should probably expect this year’s birthday check from you aunt to be for a little less than usual.

9. Over the weekend, actor Benedict Cumberbatch married fiancee Sophie Hunter. Marking the first time someone was called Mrs. Cumberbatch without it being a innuendo to that woman being a slut.

10. On Saturday, an Alaska Airlines flight bound for Portland had to return to Los Angeles after a passenger was stung by a scorpion. To their credit, Alaska Airlines turned what could have been bad P.R. into good P.R. by pointing out their planes have so much legroom that an eight-legged arthropod chose to fly with them.

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