February 11, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Charles Manson, who is 80-years-old, broke off his engagement to his 27-year-old fiancee after he found out that she planned to put his body on display after his death. Said Manson, “I tried to explain to her, as with all my previous relationships, I wasn’t going to be the first one to die.”

2. NBCUniversal CEO Steve Burke met with embattled news anchor Brian Williams Tuesday morning. Or, as Williams reported it, NBCUniversal CEO Brian Williams met with Steve Burke.

3. A Hong Kong housewife has been found guilty of imprisoning and abusing her maid. “That’s no way to treat a maid,” said Arnold Schwartzenegger.

4. Google has developed a 160 lbs, battery operated robotic dog named Spot that moves like a real dog and is remarkably difficult to knock over. “That gives me an idea,” said Michael Vick.

5. Yesterday, Brian Williams was suspended for six months without pay following revelations that he exaggerated tales from an Iraq War mission in 2003. They are reportedly developing the whole story into a movie entitled “American Hyper.”

6. On Tuesday, Jon Stewart, long-time host of “The Daily Show,” announced that he will be stepping down from that position later this year. Between Stewart’s resignation and Brian Williams’ suspension, it’s been a tough week for fake news anchors.

7. California health officials on Monday warned parents against intentionally exposing their children to the measles. They also warned parents against letting their children drink bleach, playing with electrical outlets or having anymore children.

8. Britain’s Princess Anne, Laura Davies, the most successful British woman golfer, and 10-time major champion Annika Sorenstam are among the first women to be offered membership into Scotland’s Royal & Ancient Golf Club. And yet, somehow, John Daly is still the member with the biggest tits.

9. In a 90-minute meeting at Yankee Stadium on Tuesday, Alex Rodriguez apologized to New York Yankee owner Hal Steinbrenner and team executives for his recent PED suspension. Those in attendance agreed it was A-Rod’s most successful performance in Yankee Stadium ever.

10. A San Francisco public utilities employee found to have urinated into a California drinking water reservoir will be suspended for several days without pay. Begging the question, what does it take to be fired from the San Francisco Public Utilities Department?

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