February 10, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. The Grammy Awards drew the smallest TV audience since 2009, with just 25.3 million people watching. And that number includes Sia, even though she was facing the wrong way the entire time.

2. Rap mogul Suge Knight will stay in jail for at least five more weeks in a fatal hit-and-run case after a bail hearing was postponed. Which explains why Suge was unable to attend the Grammys Sunday night to receive his 20-to-lifetime achievement award.

3. President Obama, pop star Katy Perry and a survivor combined to present a powerful performance speaking out against domestic abuse on the Grammy Awards Sunday night. Unfortunately, Chris Brown was in the bathroom at the time.

4. In a recent conversation, Alex Rodriguez told Barry Bonds that he wants to break the all-time home run record held by Bonds. “Both of you can go fuck yourselves,” said Hank Aaron.

5. Yesterday, Samsung warned owners of “SmartTVs,” which come with voice recognition, that every word that is said around the TV is being captured and sent over the internet. “Well, at least someone’s listening,” said you wife.

6. Drew Peterson, the imprisoned former Chicago cop found guilty of murdering his ex-wife, was charged on Monday with two counts of soliciting murder for allegedly hiring someone to kill the state prosecutor who sent him to jail. So good luck to whoever draws the short straw to prosecute him on these new charges.

7. Same-sex couples began marrying in parts of Alabama on Monday, making it the 37th state to legalize gay marriage. Said Alabama, “We wanted to get in early on this since we were so late on the whole slavery thing.”

8. In an interview on Monday about the foreign policy challenges facing his administration, President Obama said “I get a thick book of death, destruction, strife and chaos” every morning. “Me too,” said Vice President Biden, “except mine’s a coloring book.”

9. According to a report, “50 Shades of Grey” has sold over 100 million copies since its release. Which makes sense, because that’s not the kind of book you want to buy used.

10. According to a new report, over 15,000 different types of genetic material was found on the New York City subway. So, that’s why that seat’s open.

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