February 9, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, potential 2016 presidential candidate Jeb Bush said he thinks his brother was a great president. Adding, “Much like the Depression was a Great Depression.”

2. NBC launched an internal probe on Friday into “Nightly News” anchor Brian Williams’ debunked claim that he was aboard a helicopter that was hit by a rocket during the U.S. invasion of Iraq in 2003. Said Williams, “I would never intentionally lie about anything. I am a truthful person, just ask my daughters Allison, Serena and Venus.”

3. Amid growing controversy, NBC News anchor Brian Williams has canceled a planned appearance with late-night talk show host David Letterman this week. “I’ll do it!” shouted Lester Holt immediately.

4. According to reports, China will have more robots operating in its production plants by 2017 than any other country in the world. To make the transition to robot workers seamless, plants will employ robotic children.

5. A Washington state man’s obituary published over the weekend jokingly blamed his “untimely demise” on the Seattle Seahawks’ SuperBowl loss. Please be Macklemore. Please be Macklemore.

6. Pope Francis has ordered that umbrellas forgotten by tourists be distributed to the homeless of Rome to get them through a spate of unseasonably rainy weather. Said the homeless, “Just out of curiosity, did any tourists happen to leave behind a home?”

7. The 50 Shades of Grey movie, which is 125 minutes long, reportedly features 20 minutes worth of sex scenes. Which explains why your aunt called the film “105 minutes too long.”

8. Due to the popularity of the Hunger Games movies, which are mainly shot in Georgia, Atlanta Movie Tours has launched a Hunger Games tour which highlights parts of the city where filming took place. Yet, for the most realistic Hunger Games experience, fans are still encourage to go to Detroit.

9. On Saturday, the United States Golf Association said it will launch a U.S. Senior Women’s Open in 2018. But, until then, you’ll have to travel to the Netherlands to see that many old dykes in one place.

10. Colombia’s Marxist FARC rebels have invited the newly-crowned Miss Universe, Paulina Vega, a native of the country, to attend their peace negotiations with the government aimed at ending 50 years of fighting. “I think she should go,” said Nia Sanchez, 2014 Miss Universe First Runner-Up.

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