February 3, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Sunday’s SuperBowl drew a record 114.4 million viewers. So Marshawn Lynch wasn’t the only spectator on that last play.

2. After winning the SuperBowl Sunday night, possibly concussed Patriots wide receiver Julian Edelman referred to opponent Seattle as St. Louis numerous times. Even more embarrassing, on Monday night, Edelman showed up to University of Phoenix stadium in full pads ready to play the SuperBowl.

3. The mayor of Boston has postponed the Patriots SuperBowl victory parade due to bad weather. “So you’re telling me there’s still a chance,” said Seattle.

4. On Sunday, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie departed on a weeklong, goodwill trip to the United Kingdom. While there Christie is renting a flat or, at least, it’s flat now.

5. Baltimore Ravens nose tackle Terrence Cody was indicted Monday on animal abuse charges relating to dogs and an illegally kept alligator. Said Cody, “I understand the NFL’s stance on dog fighting, but no one said anything about dogs fighting alligators.”

6. The creator of the birth control pill died yesterday at the age of 94. He is surprisingly survived by a lot of kids.

7. Pro Football Hall of Famer Warren Sapp was arrested early Monday morning and charged with soliciting a prostitute. Said Sapp, “I played for the Raiders and the Buccaneers, so this is no where near rock bottom for me.”

8. According to a new biography, Queen Elizabeth fears that Britain will be shocked by the different style of monarchy Prince Charles is planning. Word is, he plans on waving with his left hand.

9. Charles Manson called off his wedding scheduled for this weekend due to cold feet. Even worse, they weren’t his feet.

10. The four surviving original copies of the Magna Carta were put on display together at London’s British Museum on Monday for the first time. So if you thought museums were boring before, now you get the thrill of looking at the exact same document four times.

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