February 2, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last night the New England Patriots beat the Seattle Seahawks 28-24 to win SuperBowl 49. So hope you like neon green hats and shirts, kids of Africa.

2. In an effort to avoid another ‘deflategate’ controversy, the NFL monitored game balls for Sunday’s SuperBowl more closely than ever before. “Us too!” said men watching Katy Perry’s halftime performance.

3. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell’s annual SuperBowl state of the league address on Friday was not so much about highlighting the league as it was defending his own performance. And he didn’t help his cause when he answered every question with “I’m here so I won’t get fined.”

4. Last week, Disney announced its newest princess will be Elena of Avalor, Disney’s first Latino princess. According to inside sources, the movie will be exactly like “The Little Mermaid” just minus the “Mer” part.

5. On Friday, a truck driver distracted by yanking free his loose tooth veered off the road and caused a mile-long backup on an Alabama freeway. Or, as it was reported in Alabama, “The dangers of having teeth.”

6. Diego Neria Lejarraga, reportedly became the first transgender man to hold a private audience with any Pope when he met with Pope Francis last month. Marking the second time in Catholicism that the absence of an Adam’s apple would have made a huge difference.

7. On Friday, Bruce Jenner publicly admitted that he is transitioning into being a woman. Jenner said he gained the confidence to switch genders after watching Khloe do it.

8. On Friday, public health officials said that more than 100 people in the U.S. have been confirmed as infected with measles. As a result, African countries have instituted a travel ban on all American tourists.

9. Over the weekend, Mitt Romney announced that he will not run for President in 2016. “Say it ain’t so,” said Utah and no one else.

10. On Friday, BMW announced that it had fixed a security flaw that could have allowed hackers to unlock the doors and steal more than 2.2 million Rolls-Royce, Mini and BMW vehicles. Or, more accurately, they fixed a security flaw that would have allowed hackers to steal a lot of Rolls-Royces and BMWs.

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