1. According to controversial new regulations, female athletes with as much testosterone in their blood as some men are not allowed to compete in women’s sporting events. Said one WNBA fan, “Those were women!?!”
2. The Vatican announced that it will offer homeless people in Rome free showers, haircuts and shaves when new facilities open next month. Not to be outdone, to tackle their own homeless problem, New York City announced a program to buy all its homeless residents one-way tickets to Rome.
3. According to reports, Americans will spend $700 million on their pets this Valentine’s Day. Said your dog, “This is moving a little fast, what ever happened to man’s best FRIEND?”
4. Yesterday, McDonald’s announced that CEO Don Thompson will retire at the end of the February at the very young age of 51. Or, as McDonald’s customers think of it, the very old age of 51.
5. A man who dresses as the comic superhero Mr. Incredible has been sentenced to 3 years probation after pleading guilty to attacking a woman costumed as Batgirl on Hollywood Boulevard. The most surprising part of that story is a man who dresses as Mr. Incredible for a living wasn’t already on probation.
6. Yesterday, the Hollywood Reporter revealed that actresses Kristen Wiig, Melissa McCarthy, Kate McKinnon and Leslie Jones have agreed to appear in the all-female “Ghostbusters” reboot. No word on who will play which part, but I have a pretty good guess as to who will be filling the Ernie Hudson role.
7. A drone crashed landed on the White House lawn early Monday morning. “Good to know I’m not the only robotic droid who failed to make it all the way to the White House,” said Mitt Romney.
8. According to a new study, kids who were raised in a Romanian institution for abandoned children have smaller heads, smaller brains and different white matter structure in their brains than kids who were moved into high-quality foster care at an early age. Or, maybe, no one wanted to adopt the stupid kid with the small, creepy head.
9. According to researchers, twenty-somethings who were born prematurely are less likely to move in with a lover or have sex than their peers who were born at full term. So it should come as no surprise that Paris Hilton was born twenty weeks after her due date.
10. According to a new study, women should wait until after sex to urinate, because peeing beforehand may lead to a urinary tract infection. “Well, there is a third option,” said R Kelly.