January 29, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, Americans will spend $700 million on their pets this Valentine’s Day. Said your dog, “This is moving a little fast, what ever happened to man’s best FRIEND?”

2. Yesterday, McDonald’s announced that CEO Don Thompson will retire at the end of the February at the very young age of 51. Or, as McDonald’s customers think of it, the very old age of 51.

3. On Wednesday, Cuban President Raul Castro said his country will not accept any interference from the U.S. in its internal affairs. Speaking from experience, this is usually the time your ex-girlfriend says, “Oh, now I remember why we broke up in the first place.”

4. A bid to end Arkansas’ practice of honoring civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. and Confederate General Robert E. Lee on the same day failed in a state legislative committee on Wednesday. Said an Arkansas state congressman, “We didn’t want to separate the holidays so much as just get rid of one of them.”

5. A Los Angeles judge on Wednesday gave a prosecutor more time to investigate whether actress Lindsay Lohan failed to complete her community service requirements in a reckless driving case. Lohan hasn’t made a movie in over five years, so if that’s not community service, then I don’t know what is.

6. On Wednesday, 82-year-old actor Joel Grey, best known for his Oscar-winning performance in “Cabaret,” publicly revealed that he is gay. Fortunately he was surrounded by actors when he made the announcement so they were able to act surprised.

7. Astronomers have discovered a much larger planet-like body named J1467b with rings 200 times larger than Saturn’s. “Well, I’m never gonna hear the end of this,” said Saturn’s fiancee.

8. On Wednesday, Bill Gates admitted that he feels “pretty stupid” that doesn’t know any foreign languages. Although, from the looks of him, I’d be willing to bet he knows Klingon.

9. A cat in Florida is on the mend after clawing his way back from the dead, surfacing five days after he was hit by a car and buried. So let that be a lesson to all of you with grandparents in Florida, make sure to bury them extra deep, just in case.

10. On Wednesday, Iran announced that it will allow foreign women to watch men play volleyball when it hosts an international championship this year, but Iranian women will still be banned. Although, if Iran is truly serious about punishing its women, they’ll make them watch men’s volleyball.

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