January 28, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Obama told CNN the type of small drone that crashed on the White House grounds on Monday is available at Radio Shack which illustrates the need for more restrictions over the new technology. Although, finding a Radio Shack that is still in business seems like a pretty good restriction.

2. Doctors for student health centers at ten University of California campuses staged a strike on Tuesday. Said students who were turned away at the closed health centers, “Well, I guess we’re having this baby.”

3. As a result of vandalism, New Orleans’ oldest cemetery will soon be closed to visitors without familial ties to the deceased. So now there are only two ways to get into that cemetery.

4. A man who dresses as the comic superhero Mr. Incredible has been sentenced to 3 years probation after pleading guilty to attacking a woman costumed as Batgirl on Hollywood Boulevard. The most surprising part of that story is a man who dresses as Mr. Incredible for a living wasn’t already on probation.

5. Oscar-nominated actor Benedict Cumberbatch has apologized for referring to black actors as “colored” in a recent appearance on a U.S. talk show. But, on the plus side, now we’ll get to hear Al Sharpton try to pronounce “Benedict Cumberbatch.”

6. Oscar-nominated actor Benedict Cumberbatch has apologized for referring to black actors as “colored” in a recent appearance on a U.S. talk show. Said Cumberbatch, “I’m so sorry, what I meant to say was I don’t think African-Americans should use the same water fountain as us.”

7. Ahead of this week’s anticipated blizzard, New Yorkers took to CraigsList to find a “blizzard buddy” for “snuggling.” The offer is perfect for anyone who ever wanted to be murdered by a stranger in a snowstorm.

8. Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has agreed to testify in front of the House’s committee investigating Benghazi. Or, as FoxNews reported it, “OhMyGod!!!OhMyGod!!!OhMyGod!!!”

9. Yesterday, the Hollywood Reporter revealed that actresses Kristen Wiig, Melissa McCarthy, Kate McKinnon and Leslie Jones have agreed to appear in the all-female “Ghostbusters” reboot. No word on who will play which part, but I have a pretty good guess as to who will be filling the Ernie Hudson role.

10. Conservative political advocacy groups supported by the billionaire Koch brothers plan to spend $889 million in the 2016 U.S. elections. Said the Koch brothers, “You have no idea how much money it takes to make Rand Paul likable.”

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