January 27, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. A drone crashed landed on the White House lawn early Monday morning. “Good to know I’m not the only robotic droid who failed to make all the way to the White House,” said Mitt Romney.

2. According to a new study, kids who were raised in a Romanian institution for abandoned children have smaller heads, smaller brains and different white matter structure in their brains than kids who were moved into high-quality foster care at an early age. Or, maybe, no one wanted to adopt the stupid kid with the small, creepy head.

3. Team Irvin beat Team Carter 32-28 in the NFL Pro Bowl Sunday night. So if you had Team Carter and the points, congratulations, you have a gambling problem.

4. An Oregon man who claims his rights were violated last year when he was arrested outside the federal courthouse in downtown Portland for playing his violin in the nude is suing the police department for $1.1 million. The police report noted the man had a tiny instrument and also a violin.

5. According to researchers, twenty-somethings who were born prematurely are less likely to move in with a lover or have sex than their peers who were born at full term. So it should come as no surprise that Paris Hilton was born twenty weeks after her due date.

6. A woman in China is being prosecuted for selling her newborn baby for $7,000. “What can I get for a slightly used baby?” said Casey Anthony.

7. According to a new study, women should wait until after sex to urinate, because peeing beforehand may lead to a urinary tract infection. “Well, there is a third option,” said R Kelly.

8. Kentucky Fried Chicken is now offering a hotdog in a bun made out of fried chicken. It’s part of KFC’s new My Life Has No Value Meal.

9. In a recent interview, Johnny Depp was critical of actors who become musicians, saying “the whole thing just makes me sick.” Oh, sorry, that quote was actually a review of the movie “Mortdecai.”

10. New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady said on Monday his feelings have been hurt during the NFL’s investigation into his team’s use of deflated balls. Lucky for him, the best cure for hurt feelings is a hot model wife and millions of dollars.

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