January 26, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. New York City is bracing for a potentially historic blizzard that is expected to dump up to three feet of snow today and tomorrow. The city hasn’t experienced such a dramatic whiteout since it hosted the Republican National Convention in 2004.

2. The New York Times reported that the Winklevoss twins are attempting to create the first regulated Bitcoin exchange in the U.S. “That’s not a bad idea,” said Mark Zuckerberg.

3. According to a new report, there are still five people alive today who were born in the 1800s. Although their stories of remembering when gas only cost $2 are no longer that impressive.

4. Terry Hendrix, currently incarcerated in Colorado and a serial filer of frivolous lawsuits, is suing the NFL for nearly $84 billion for the officiating decision that overturned Dez Bryant’s catch in the Cowboy’s playoff loss to the Packers. “He has my number, right?” said Gloria Allred.

5. F-16 fighter jets escorted two passenger planes into Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport on Saturday after a bomb threat made on Twitter was deemed credible. If we’re taking every bomb threat made on Twitter seriously, then, according to my feed, “Mordecai” is in a lot of trouble.

6. Alec Baldwin has signed a deal to pen a memoir due out in 2016. So if you’re interested in reading a book all about Alec Baldwin you’re most likely Alec Baldwin.

7. On Friday, at a gathering of Republicans in Iowa, former Alaskan governor Sarah Palin said she is “seriously interested” in running for president in 2016. “Once again, I cannot express how truly sorry I am,” said John McCain.

8. Spanish tennis player Feliciano Lopez apologized over the weekend to the ball-boy he struck in the groin with a 124 mph serve at the Australian Open. Said the ball-boy, “What a great guy, I’d name my first-born after him if I were physically able to have children.”

9. The Egyptian Museum in Cairo acknowledged on Saturday that it was forced to glue the mask of King Tutankhamen back together after its beard broke off. “Luckily for me, I can only lose my beard through divorce,” said John Travolta.

10. A documentary on former President Bill Clinton by director Martin Scorsese has been indefinitely shelved. Said Clinton, “Like most films I shoot, looks like Hillary’s not gonna see this one either.”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.