January 23, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, smarter people tend to use iPhones. Although that number dwindles dramatically if the iPhone is attached to a selfie-stick.

2. Potential Republican presidential candidates Jeb Bush and Mitt Romney met privately in Utah on Thursday. Thus, setting a record for the whitest sentence I have ever written.

3. According to a recent poll, three out of five voters in New Jersey do not think Governor Chris Christie would make a good president. Or, as President Obama now calls those kind of numbers, a ringing endorsement.

4. The British government plans to introduce a law before May forcing tobacco companies to sell cigarettes in plain packages without any branding. Thus, leaving kids on their own to decide which ones are the coolest.

5. On Thursday, the Los Angeles Lakers confirmed that five-time NBA champion Kobe Bryant has torn his right rotator cuff. Said Kobe, “Don’t worry, I can always use my left hand to not pass the ball to my teammates.”

6. Four-time NASCAR Sprint Cup champion Jeff Gordon said on Thursday the upcoming 2015 season will be his last. Gordon said he looks forward to spending more time with his family and making righthand turns.

7. The World Games, an event held every four years that showcases more than 35 sports not on the Olympic program, will be hosted in 2021 by Birmingham, Alabama. So if that’s not motivation to get your sport into the Olympics by 2021, then I don’t know what is.

8. Earlier this week, a baby was born on a transatlantic flight bound for New York. Said the baby, “I had more legroom before.”

9. Russia hit back on Wednesday at President Obama’s State of the Union speech, saying it showed the U.S. believes it is “number one.” Said American, “Yeah, have you seen ‘Rocky?’”

10. Microsoft surprised the tech world on Wednesday with a prototype hologram visor that can bring the Minecraft video game, Skype calls and even the landscape of Mars to three-dimensional life. And by Minecraft, Skype and Mars I mean porn.

11. Nearly 130,000 pages of declassified Air Force files on UFO investigations and sightings are now available online. So finally you’ll be able to read crazy, outlandish theories on the internet.

12. Gunmaker PARA USA has called for an industry-wide boycott of movies starring Liam Neeson after the actor criticized U.S. gun policy during a recent press tour. And I don’t know who to side with because I think the U.S. does need to reform its gun laws, but I also don’t want to see “Taken 3.”

13. CBS Sports basketball analyst Greg Anthony has been suspended by the network after he was arrested over the weekend on a charge of soliciting prostitution. “Wow, things have really changed since I left CBS,” said Charlie Sheen.

14. Amazon said on Monday it was aiming to produce close to twelve movies a year for theatrical release which would then be available on its Prime video service within two months. Unless, of course, North Korea has a problem with it.

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