January 14, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. At a recent Knicks game, a fan kissed a total stranger after her boyfriend refused to participate in the Kiss Cam. That’s crazy, there were three people at a Knicks game?

2. A Beverly Hills rare coin dealer purchased a 1792 American penny for nearly $2.6 million at auction. “Good to know that I’m not the only one whose overpaid for a Penny,” said Rob Reiner.

3. Donald Trump has sued Palm Beach County, Florida, accusing the airport of deliberately sending air traffic over his Mar-a-Lago mansion. Which is weird, because I just assumed from his hairstyle that he had no idea about anything that was going on over his head.

4. On Tuesday, Facebook said it will start issuing emergency alerts to its 140 million users when children go missing. It will serve as great notice to parents who haven’t looked up from their smartphone for the past four hours that their kid is missing.

5. The director of the U.S. Center for Disease Control and Prevention said on Tuesday that he was “confident” he could reach his goal of getting the West Africa Ebola outbreak down to zero cases. “Funny, that’s my goal, too,” said Ebola.

6. “Transformers: Age of Extinction” led all movies with seven Razzie Award nominations yesterday, including worst picture, screenplay and director. Said director Michael Bay, “Joke’s on you, we didn’t have a screenplay.”

7. According to local Seattle officials, a black Labrador named Eclipse has been riding city buses without her owner to a local dog park for the past few weeks. Said Eclipse, “It’s not a big deal, my car is in the shop.”

8. It was announced yesterday that Woody Allen will write and direct an online series for Amazon. So now you won’t know if Allen is nervously stuttering or if your computer is buffering.

9. Congressional Republicans have invited former Tonight Show host Jay Leno and ex-British Prime Minister Tony Blair to speak at their annual retreat in Pennsylvania. Because, apparently, Republicans never tire of getting accused of living in the past.

10. After the Broncos lost to the Colts over the weekend, Denver quarterback Peyton Manning implied that he may retire after this season. Although, after watching his performance verse the Colts, he may have gotten an early start on that.

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