January 13, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Actor Leonardo DiCaprio and singer Rihanna were seen getting cozy at a recent Hollywood party. Which is exciting, but have some concerns about their celebrity couple name, Ritardo.

2. An Ohio county jail released 72 inmates over the weekend as a result of continued budget cuts and staffing shortages. “A couple of week too late, thanks for nothing,” said the Cincinnati Bengals.

3. On Monday, a pair of lawmakers in Mississippi introduced a bill to make the Bible the official state book. Odds of the bill passing are pretty good as the Bible is, most likely, the only book in the entire state of Mississippi.

4. Over the weekend, Volkswagen’s 2015 Golf took the top prize at the North America International Auto Show as the best car of the year. Yet more proof that 2015 is gonna suck.

5. Over the weekend, Volkswagen’s 2015 Golf took the top prize at the North America International Auto Show as the best car of the year. While the worst car was awarded to whatever Paul Walker was driving.

6. On Monday, Philip Eure, New York City’s new police Inspector General blasted the NYPD for failing to punish officers who use chokeholds on citizens as a first resort. Said Eure, “We issue you guns for a reason.”

7. For the fifth year in a row, LeBron James topped the NBA’s list of most popular jerseys. Which makes sense, since everyone in Cleveland had to replace the one they burned.

8. A prominent Saudi Arabian cleric has issued a religious ruling forbidding the building of snowmen, describing them as anti-Islamic. If they also ban the “Do You Want to Build a Snowman” song from “Frozen,” I think I’m on board.

9. Republican U.S Representative Paul Ryan, the party’s vice presidential nominee in 2012, said he will not run for president in 2016. So if you were planning on voting for Ryan, sorry Mrs. Ryan.

10. A software developer in London has discovered a string of code that can make anyone’s browser history, even if a computer was used in privacy mode, public. “Well, we had a good run,” said husbands.

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