January 12, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Sunday, while baptizing 33 infants in the Sistine Chapel, Pope Francis told the mothers to feel free to breastfeed if their babies cried or were hungry. Which was a nice sentiment, but I think throwing prayer beads at the ones who did was a little tacky.

2. A Pennsylvania man was arrested after he masturbated on someone else’s balcony and then jumped out a second story window. Apparently, the man was misunderstood when the homeowner caught him on her veranda and yelled “Get off!”

3. Former New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan has agreed to become the new head coach of the Buffalo Bills. Said Ryan, “This is where buffalo wings are from, right?”

4. Two protestors were arrested at the Virginia home of former Vice President Dick Cheney on Saturday after 20 demonstrators walked onto his property to mark the 13th anniversary of the opening of Gitmo. Police called the protest a blatant case of trespassing while Cheney called it target practice.

5. Mitt Romney, the 2012 Republican presidential nominee, told a group of donors on Friday that he is considering another run for the White House in 2016. Jeb? Mitt? Rand? Is this the Republican ballot or the sound effects to the old Batman show?

6. Justice Department prosecutors have recommended bringing criminal charges against former CIA chief David Petraeus for improperly providing classified information to his biographer with whom he was having an affair. But it sounds like she already had the launch codes, if you catch my drift.

7. According to a new study, getting more exercise throughout life is tied to a reduced risk of abusing alcohol that requires treatment. Which explains why the gym in Billy Joel’s house is covered in dust.

8. On Saturday, singer Katy Perry announced that Lenny Kravitz will join her on stage for a guest appearance during this year’s SuperBowl halftime show. Leaving Katy Perry fans questioning who Lenny Kravitz is and New York Jets fans asking what a SuperBowl is.

9. An Indiana couple has been charged with child neglect after a cell phone video obtained by authorities showed the pair telling a one-year-old baby to put a gun in her mouth and make sounds like the weapon was firing. Bringing new meaning to the term “pacifier.”

10. For the first time in its history, famed jeweler Tiffany & Co. is featuring a gay couple in one of its ads. “Hint, hint,” said Bert.

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