1. Yesterday, President Obama proposed a plan under which the first two years of any four year community college would be tuition free. Said community college students, “So we just have to pay for the remaining three?”
2. On Thursday, actress Angelina Jolie met Pope Francis after a screening at the Vatican of her film “Unbroken.” Her visit also set the record for the most times in one day the words “Jesus Christ!” were uttered around the Vatican.
3. A Chinese inventor has created a video game controller that is operated by the vagina. Or, more accurately, a Chinese pervert is calling himself an inventor.
4. A Chinese inventor has created a video game controller that is operated by the vagina. Unsurprisingly, it is only compatible with the Xbox.
5. Eleven earthquakes have been recorded in the Dallas-Fort Worth area over the past 24 hours. Proving that Chris Christie is still celebrating the Cowboy’s victory.
6. Actress Lindsay Lohan was recently diagnosed with a rare mosquito-transmitted disease called Chikungunya. But don’t be discouraged Lindsay, if you keep at it, they’re bound to name one after you eventually.
7. Mark Rosekind, head of the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, said on Tuesday that a recent wave of auto recalls may lead to even more flaws being discovered this year as drivers become alert to design faults. Said Ford Fiesta owners, “Can an entire car be a design flaw?”
8. A hot item at this years Consumer Electronics Show is a GPS enabled pacifier that helps parents locate lost babies. Or, more accurately, helps parents locate their really expensive lost pacifier.
9. A New Mexico woman was caught smuggling a handgun into an Albuquerque jail inside a very delicate lady part. Which gives new meaning to the term “vaginal discharge.”
10. Over the holidays, a couple was forced to move their wedding ceremony from a golf course in Hawaii because President Obama wanted to play a round of golf on their wedding day. It was a same-sex marriage, so Republicans don’t know how to feel about the whole thing.