January 9, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Jeb Bush’s official website references his father’s presidency, but makes no mention of his brother, George W. Bush. But, in all fairness, how much did Michael talk about Fredo?

2. Bill Gates is advocating a machine that turns human feces into drinkable water. Said the makers of Mountain Dew, “Ewww, water.”

3. In an interview with “Rolling Stone,” rocker Marilyn Manson says he always has sex with the lights off. That way he can pretend there’s another person in the room with him.

4. Veteran “60 Minutes” correspondent Steve Kroft has admitted to a three year extra-marital affair. Said Kroft’s mistress, “He was kinky. Right before sex he always pointed to his penis and said ‘All this and Andy Rooney, tonight.’”

5. Yesterday, President Obama proposed a plan under which the first two years of any four year community college would be tuition free. Said community college students, “So we just have to pay for the remaining three?”

6. House of Representatives Speaker John Boehner said on Thursday that he doesn’t like being called “spineless” by critics. Said critics, “Yeah, that’s kinda the point.”

7. Kirby Delauter, a Maryland politician who said he would sue a newspaper if it printed his name, has apologized after his irrational demand became a national news story. Delauter said he is embarrassed that his threat to sue garnered national attention, or, as it is more commonly known, pulling a Trump.

8. The owners of the Atlanta Hawks said Thursday they have unanimously approved a plan to sell the franchise. “Can I buy it and move it out of Atlanta?” said Donald Sterling.

9. On Thursday, actress Angelina Jolie met Pope Francis after a screening at the Vatican of her film “Unbroken.” Setting the record for the most times in one day the words “Jesus Christ!” were heard around the Vatican.

10. A boa constrictor caused panic at a downtown San Diego office when it crawled out of a toilet after apparently slithering down a pipe from an upstairs apartment. Living in an office building with your pet snake, sounds like life’s going pretty well for that guy.

11. The New York City prosecutor at the heart of the controversy over a grand jury’s decision not to indict a white policeman in the chokehold death of a black man said last week that he may run for the congressional seat being vacated by Michael Grimm. So congratulations in advance to whoever runs against him.

12. McDonald’s Japan has apologized to customers and vowed to ensure product safety after objects including a tooth and plastic were found in its food. McDonalds promised that customers would never again be able to find anything identifiable in their food.

13. Over the weekend, Sylvester Stallone announced that he will star in one more Rambo movie entitled “Rambo: Last Blood.” He chose the title once he realized “Age of Extinction” was already taken.

14. Those who attended a sold-out midnight screening of “the Interview” at a theater in Los Angeles were treated to a special appearance by the film’s star Seth Rogen. Said the audience, “We’re happy to see you, but can you stand farther over there?”

15. Iran is set to expand what it calls ‘smart filtering’ of the internet, a policy of censoring undesirable content on websites without banning them completely, as it used to. And, because prejectedjokes is always looking to increase its readership, let me say that I believe Iran is the best country in the world. Also, have you lost weight, Iran? You look great.

16. According to a new study, regardless of IQ, people who work at complex jobs have a slightly higher chance of being better thinkers as they age. “Look, I just painted a picture of my foot,” said George W. Bush.

17. According to a new study, women’s self-exams and physical exams by doctors both detect breast cancer tumors at about the same rate. Said doctors, “No, please, take all the fun out of our job.”

18. The white 1986 Ferrari Testarossa driven by TV cops “Sonny” Crockett and Riccardo “Rico” Tubbs in the hit 1980s series “Miami Vice” is being sold on eBay for $1.75 million. Or, for just $37.50, you can buy everything Philip Michael Thomas owns.

19. According to a new study, American preschoolers who drink three or more cups of milk a day may get a small height boost, but are also more likely to be obese. While American preschoolers who drink less milk tend to be shorter and also obese.

20. On New Year’s Eve, seventy-six bottles of wine worth $300,000 were stolen from the highly acclaimed French Laundry restaurant in Napa Valley. Authorities are calling it the whitest of white collar crimes.

21. On Tuesday, the Census Bureau reported that Florida has now overtaken New York as the third most populous state in the country. A friendly reminder that your grandparents are still alive and would love to hear from you.

22. An olive oil bar has opened in Brooklyn which offers more than 40 different kinds of olive oil. So far, its best customer has been Popeye.

23. A spokesman for the Vatican said on Friday that the papal city state may sue a man who scaled St. Peter’s Basilica to protest against laws that he says lost him his business in Italy. So I guess that forgiveness stuff is just a sometimes thing.

24. A San Francisco web designer has developed an app that tracks homeless people, to determine where help is most needed, by mapping where people defecate on the streets of the city. New York City has a similar thing, it’s called the NYC Subway map.

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