1. Tuesday night police recovered the 1968 Heisman Trophy awarded to O.J. Simpson 20 years after it was stolen in a burglary from the University of Southern California. Said O.J., “Wait? Police keep looking into crimes even 20 years after they happened? Uh-oh.”
2. A Chinese inventor has created a video game controller that is operated by the vagina. Or, more accurately, a Chinese pervert is calling himself an inventor.
3. A Chinese inventor has created a video game controller that is operated by the vagina. Unsurprisingly, it is only compatible with the Xbox.
4. Bill Gates says a new invention that can turn human feces into electricity and clean drinking water can save lives. “You had us at ‘human feces,’” said Germans.
5. On Monday, Cameron Diaz and Good Charlotte rocker Benji Madden wed. A sentence, a long with “Hey, these pogs are really cool,” that would have been much more newsworthy in 1998.
6. Quarterback Jameis Winston said on Wednesday that he will leave Florida State University and enter the NFL draft. The announcement was met with disappointment amongst FSU fans and relief around the Tallahassee police department.
7. Low-gluten and gluten-free communion options are becoming more readily available at churches across the U.S. Which makes sense, because Jesus always looks so slim and fit up on that cross.
8. Eleven earthquakes have been recorded in the Dallas-Fort Worth area over the past 24 hours. Proving that Chris Christie is still celebrating the Cowboy’s victory.
9. A man accused of leaving his six-month-old daughter in the cold outside his Los Angeles home at 2 a.m. on Christmas Day and then passing out drunk has been charged with child endangerment. But, in his defense, his lawn nativity scene was missing a baby Jesus and it was the best he could do on short notice.
10. Paul McCartney plays the piano on Kanye West’s newest single. Which is awesome, but Kanye should be careful, it didn’t turn out too well for the last guy who worked with Paul and had a penchant for comparing himself to Jesus.