January 7, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Actress Lindsay Lohan was recently diagnosed with a rare mosquito-transmitted disease called Chikungunya. But don’t be discouraged Lindsay, if you keep at it, they’re bound to name one after you eventually.

2. A new photo book documenting the history of Madison Square Garden features a picture of once New York Knick and current General Manager Phil Jackson nude in the locker-room after a game. Even worse, the picture was taken last week.

3. Mark Rosekind, head of the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, said on Tuesday that a recent wave of auto recalls may lead to even more flaws being discovered this year as drivers become alert to design faults. Said Ford Fiesta owners, “Can an entire car be a design flaw?”

4. A hot item at this years Consumer Electronics Show is a GPS enabled pacifier that helps parents locate lost babies. Or, more accurately, helps parents locate their really expensive lost pacifier.

5. A Florida man is accused of bringing his 5-month old baby to a home burglary attempt, during which he set the child down so that he could pull a knife on the homeowner. Say what you will about his parenting skills, but he’s a good criminal considering, even after ten hours of questioning, that kid still refused to talk.

6. On Tuesday, a judge ruled that former New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez’s mother will be allowed to attend his upcoming murder trial. Said his mother, “I’ve never missed a game.”

7. A New Mexico woman was caught smuggling a handgun into an Albuquerque jail inside a very delicate lady part. Which gives new meaning to the term “vaginal discharge.”

8. Authorities in Scotland are looking for the person who abandoned a mixed-breed dog outside a railway station, along with a suitcase containing the dog’s belongings. Finally answering the age old question of how many dead birds can you fit into one suitcase.

9. TLC’s is set to air a one-hour special entitled “My Husband’s Not Gay,” which spotlights a group of married Mormon men who are attracted to other men but don’t identify as gay. People in the Mormon community became suspicious of these men because they only had two wives.

10. The NBA’s New York Knicks have become so wretched that the city’s most prominent newspaper, the New York Times says it is taking its writer off the beat. “What the fuck?” said the New York Times writer who covers the Jets.

11. South Korean prosecutors are seeking an arrest warrant for former Korean Air executive Heather Cho who sparked outrage by kicking a flight-attendant off a plane for serving macadamia nuts to passengers the wrong way. And, keep in mind, this is the saner, more rational Korea.

12. A new study show, doctors often prescribe potentially disabling tranquilizers to older Americans, particularly women. The study was conducted by a Dr. Clifford Huxtable.

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