January 6, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. New Orleans Saints linebacker Junior Galette was arrested on Monday on a misdemeanor charge of domestic battery. Galette said he didn’t want to get arrested for hitting his girlfriend but it was “his turn.”

2. Bess Myerson, Miss America 1945, has died at the age of 90. “Finally,” said 1945’s first runner-up.

3. This year Girl Scouts will offer three new types of cookies, two of which will be gluten-free. “You don’t have to be gluten free to look good,” said thin mints.

4. Satellite TV giant Dish is preparing to launch Sling TV, a bundle of channels including ESPN and CNN, delivered via the internet to subscribers for just $20 a month. Or, if it operates like every other internet based subscription company, for free once you get your friend’s username and password.

5. The top CIA official, Inspector General David Buckley is resigning effective January 31. Buckley is resigning to spend more time spying on his family.

6. Florida Governor Rick Scott will kick off his second term today with a speech highlighting his intentions to recruit people from other states burdened with higher taxes to move to Florida. “Alright,” said LeBron James.

7. Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee said on Saturday that he was leaving his weekly Fox News show so he can explore a 2016 presidential bid. Said Sarah Palin, “Wait, I though you were supposed to run for president to get a Fox News show.”

8. A Chinese television drama that was pulled off the air after female characters appeared on screen showing cleavage, has returned, though this time showing only the actresses’ heads. Said adolescent Chinese boys, “They have heads?”

9. Facebook photos posted by Sarah Palin showing her son Trig using the family dog as a step stool unleashed online fury on Friday. The last time a Palin used a living thing as a stepping stool, that old-dog was named McCain.

10. Over Christmas, the baby Jesus was stolen out of a nativity scene in Haverhill, Massachusetts with a pig’s head left in its place. The choice of replacement has ruled out authorities top suspect, Jews.

11. The Vatican said last week it had arrested a member of the women’s rights group Femen who on Christmas Day bared her breasts in front of thousands in St. Peter’s Square. Said the Pope, who was present for the event, “Maybe I’ve been wrong about everything.”

12. According to a recent study, teenagers are more likely than middle-aged drivers to die in a crash while driving older, smaller cars. And, in unrelated news, Casey Anthony has opened up a used Fiat dealership.

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