1. The U.S.-led coalition in Afghanistan formally ended its combat mission last week, more than 13 years after an international coalition ousted the Taliban government. Said former President George W. Bush, “Now, where’d I put that ‘Mission Accomplished’ banner?”
2. Over the holidays, a couple was forced to move their wedding ceremony from a golf course in Hawaii because President Obama wanted to play a round of golf on their wedding day. It was a same-sex marriage, so Republicans don’t know how to feel about the whole thing.
3. According to a Washington Post report, the number three Republican in the House of Representatives, Steve Scalise of Louisiana, gave a speech at a conference of white nationals in 2002. Said Scalise, “How’d you know it was me? I had my hood on.”
4. Potential Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush has resigned from all of his corporate and non-profit board member positions as the former Florida governor explores a run for the White House. “If the American people are interested in having a president who likes resigning from things …” said Sarah Palin.
5. Last week, Jim Harbaugh became the head coach of the University of Michigan, just days after parting ways with the San Francisco 49ers, declaring that his new position was not a step backwards. Because nothing says promotion like moving from California to Michigan in the middle of January.
6. After a lop-sided 59-20 loss to Oregon, Florida State’s Heisman winning quarterback Jameis Winston said “It hurts badder than anything you can imagine. Losing is not a word in my vocabulary.” And, apparently, neither is the word “worse.”
7. While singing her smash hit “Let It Go” on Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve, Idina Menzel stumbled over a line on live television. “See, I told you, TV makes you nervous and it’s easy to make a mistake” said John Travolta.
8. George P. Bush, son of Jeb Bush, was sworn in on Friday as Texas land commissioner. And, as his first act as Texas land commissioner, Bush invaded Iraq.
9. Last week, the inaugural College Football Playoff drew more than 28 million television viewers. The number is actually higher if you count the Florida State football team as spectators as well.
10. After suffering his fifth concussion in the span of 14 months, West Virginia University quarterback Clint Trickett announced his retirement from football. Luckily, after suffering five serious head injuries, Trickett will fit in nicely with the general population of West Virginia.