10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. Yesterday, Norman Bridwell, the creator of the “Clifford the Big Red Dog” children’s books, died at the age of 86. Or, as it was reported to kids, he went to go live on a farm upstate.

2. A technology company has released new vending machines that use facial recognition software to decide whether it will sell different foods to specific customers. And, the machine is programmed that if it recognizes Chris Christie’s face to play dead and just wait for the whole thing to be over.

3. Cuba Gooding Jr. has been cast as O.J. Simpson in an upcoming television miniseries. Nicole Brown Simpson, the woman O.J. allegedly murdered, will be played by Gooding’s career.

4. On Sunday night, Barbara Walters named Amal Clooney, George Clooney’s new wife, as her most fascinating person of 2014. So let that be a lesson to all you young ladies, if you’re an accomplished international human rights attorney who has fought for children in war zones and against terrorism, you’re only one marriage to a guy who pretends to be other guys for a living away from being interesting.

5. A U.S. federal appeals court ruled on Monday that pornographic movie actors in Los Angeles must wear condoms during sex scenes. Said porn stars, “We’re obviously upset about the ruling, but pretty stoked that you called us actors.”

6. A humanoid robot named Athena with a head, hands and feet boarded a flight bound for Germany from LAX on Monday, becoming what was billed as the first robot traveling as a paid passenger on an airline. So just making sure, bottle of water, dangerous, humanoid robot capable of independent thought with superhuman strength, good to go.

7. Under a law signed on Monday, it is now illegal in New York to tattoo or pierce your pet. It was the first bill ever introduced into the New York State Senate to begin with the words “Hey idiots.”

8. Last week, Texas Governor Rick Perry said that running for president isn’t an IQ test. Adding, “But don’t worry, even if it was, I have 20/20 vision.”

9. Over the weekend, an early version of the next James Bond movie “SPECTRE” was made public by the people who hacked into Sony Picture. Which is a shame, because the only other way to learn the basic plot of that movie would be to watch literally any other Bond film ever made.

10. A Mississippi pastor brought a horse in a wedding dress to stand with him outside a federal courthouse on Friday in Jackson to protest a judge’s ruling that would overturn the state’s ban on gay marriage. Although, I just feel bad for the guy who is married to a woman whose wedding dress apparently also fits a horse.

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