December 19, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Residents in Southern California have complained about a medical marijuana dispensary’s Christmas display which features a pot-smoking Santa Claus. He goes into to other people’s home and eats their cookies, only works one day a year and is always jolly, yeah, that kinda makes sense.

2. Yesterday, a new trailer for a documentary about the Backstreet Boys was released. So you know what to do, North Korea, you know what to do.

3. GE plans to release its first feature film, a documentary about breakdancing, through video streaming devices like Roku and Apple TV. The movie is entitled “Breakin’ 2: General Electric Boogaloo.”

4. According to People magazine, “7th Heaven” star Stephen Collins has admitted to inappropriate sexual conduct with three women more than 20 years ago. Or, as Bill Cosby refers to it, a Tuesday.

5. Senator Marco Rubio said on Wednesday he would “make every effort” to block moves by President Obama towards normalizing relations with the Cuban government. In response, Cuban President Raul Castro asked Obama, “Do you have to deal with this a lot? You should really look into a dictatorship, it’s much easier.”

6. Yesterday, U.S. House Speaker John Boehner sharply criticized President Obama’s policy change toward Cuba, calling it “another in a long line of mindless concessions” to a brutal dictatorship. Proving that Boehner does at least know the word “concession.”

7. Mama June and Sugar Bear, from TLC’s “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” have reportedly been offered $1 million to make a sex tape. Or, for free, you can go to the zoo and watch the elephants bone.

8. Two of the top Google searches in 2014 were “Frozen” and “Ebola.” The most typed inquiry was “What’s harder to get out of your system, that song from ‘Frozen’ or Ebola?”

9. A copy of a vintage ET Atari video game extracted from a New Mexico landfill where hundreds of the cartridges we’re dumped after the game flopped in the 1980s has made its way to the Smithsonian Institute in Washington. Said a representative for the Smithsonian, “Yeah, we’re running out shit to put in here.”

10. According to a new study, people who feel younger tend to live longer. “Looks like I’m gonna live forever,” said Jerry Sandusky, mistaking the word “younger” for “youngster.”

11. Under a law signed on Monday, it is now illegal in New York to tattoo or pierce your pet. A practice that really tests the limits of how well your dog sits and stays.

12. Over the weekend, Sy Berger, the father of the modern baseball card, died at the age of 91. He was not in mint condition.

13. Over the weekend, Sy Berger, the father of the modern baseball card, died at the age of 91. Berger credited his long life to his mother not getting rid of him when he went off to college.

14. Jeb Bush says he plans to release 250,000 emails from his time as Florida’s governor as part of an e-book that he is writing while he decides whether to run for president. “Look, I didn’t read them when you sent them to me, I definitely not gonna read them in book form,” said W.

15. Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson, facing suspension from the NFL for the rest of the season after being charged with beating his son, said on Saturday that he is considering retirement and a bid for the U.S. Olympic track team. And, if the other countries are smart, they’ll try to get Adrian Peterson Jr. on their track team because he has the most motivation to outrun him.

16. On Saturday, Richard Stockton College bought the shut-down Showboat Atlantic City Casino for $18 million with plans to turn it into a new branch campus. Although, considering the current job market, students probably would have gotten a better return on their tuition under the previous business model.

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