December 18, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. The U.S. and Cuba agreed on Wednesday to restore diplomatic ties that Washington severed more than 50 years ago. A move experts are hailing as a giant step forward in foreign relations or the most elaborate Bay of Pigs ever.

2. Following President Obama’s foreign policy shift with regards to Cuba, the U.S announced plans to open an embassy in Havana. “Dibs” said John Boehner.

3. In a statement criticizing President Obama’s policy shift towards Cuba, potential 2016 presidential candidate Jeb Bush said the main beneficiaries “will be the heinous Castro brothers who have oppressed the Cuban people for decades. Adding, “Even we had the courtesy to give the country an eight year break with Obama.”

4. Secretary of State John Kerry met with released American aid worker Alan Gross shortly after he landed at Andrews Air Force Base from Cuba on Wednesday. The government chose Kerry to welcome Gross in an attempt to dissuade Cubans from coming to the America.

5. According to a new survey, most people get no advice from their doctors about whether or when it’s safe to have sex after a heart attack. Even more proof that Bill Cosby’s doctorate is purely honorary.

6. Sony Pictures pulled the theatrical release of its North Korea comedy “The Interview” after threats of retaliatory violence at theaters showing the film. But, on the plus-side, now we know how to prevent any new Adam Sandler movies.

7. Police in Oregon are looking for a serial flasher who was wearing nothing but a camouflaged baseball cap. A cap that apparently wasn’t doing its job.

8. After Monday night’s loss, where he was sacked seven times, Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler gave a press conference attended by only one reporter. Luckily, after being hit that many times, Cutler saw multiple reporters.

9. A couple in New Zealand got trapped in their car when they left their keys outside and didn’t realize they could manually unlock it from the inside. And lord help us if they ever figure out how to reproduce.

10. Thousands of people sang “Happy Birthday” at mass on Wednesday to celebrate Pope Francis’s birthday. When asked what he wished for, the Pope said, “Screw world peace, daddy wants a Harley.”

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