December 17, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Norman Bridwell, the creator of the “Clifford the Big Red Dog” children’s books, died at the age of 86. Or, as it was reported to kids, he went to go live on a farm upstate.

2. Mama June and Sugar Bear, from TLC’s “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” have reportedly been offered $1 million to make a sex tape. If the couple accepts the offer, the resulting film will have to be shown in IMAX theaters.

3. A technology company has released new vending machines that use facial recognition software to decide whether it will sell different foods to specific customers. And, the machine is programmed that if it recognizes Chris Christie’s face to play dead and just wait for the whole thing to be over.

4. Yesterday, the group taking credit for the recent Sony Pictures hack threatened to unleash attacks at American theaters showing the upcoming Seth Rogen film “the Interview.” Said moviegoers, “Still can’t be a worse experience than when I went to see Rogen in ‘the Green Hornet.’”

5. The ruble plunged more than 11 percent against the dollar on Tuesday in its steepest fall since the Russian financial crisis in 1998. Things have gotten so bad that Russia is now begging Ukraine to invade Russia.

6. NASA’s Mars Curiosity rover found methane in the Martian atmosphere and organic chemicals in the planet’s soil, the latest hint that Mars was once suitable for life, much like Detroit.

7. On Tuesday, police in Alabama arrested a man after finding 14 grams of heroin hidden in his 2-year-old daughter’s diaper. Said the man, “Arrest her!”

8. Researchers say that older women often suffer from treatable urinary incontinence in silence. Adding, “And thank God for that.”

9. A White House task force on Tuesday issued proposals to tighten the grip on the illegal global seafood trade, which causes billions in losses to the legal fishing industry annually. Said a representative for the task force, “Something smells fishy.”

10. Yesterday, Vladimir Putin was named Russia’s Man of the Year for the fifteenth year in a row. Or, as Kim Jong Un calls it, a good start.

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