1. In a recent interview, Kim Kardashian said she gained weight during her pregnancy because God was punishing her for being so hot. Which isn’t sound logic, because it fails to explain why Khloe’s fat.
2. A new app, designed to replace the alarm clock, allows users to be woken on up in the morning by a one-minute phone call from a complete stranger. “Well, I know when I’ve been replaced” said the guy who lives in the apartment above me.
3. A mother of six from London was jailed for five years on Thursday after admitting to four counts of distributing terrorist publications via Facebook. Although, if you ask me, I think it’s commendable that a mother of six posted something other than pictures of her kids on Facebook.
4. A church in Alabama has started holding Sunday services at a local Buffalo Wild Wings restaurant. Because who needs to be saved more than people who spend their Sunday mornings at a Buffalo Wild Wings restaurant?
5. A Wisconsin man told a sheriff’s deputy he had not been drinking, but rather eating beer-battered fish when he was pulled over for what would be his 10th drunken driving offense. The only thing worse than his idiotic excuse is that it took him ten tries to come up with it.
6. On Tuesday, a baby was born on a Southwest flight from San Francisco to Phoenix. The birth marked the first time anything associated with Southwest arrived early.
7. MIT economics professor Jonathan Gruber apologized on Tuesday for his “glib, thoughtless and sometimes downright insulting comments” about Obamacare and the intelligence of American voters. Said Gruber, “I’ll make sure to use small words in this apology so you idiots will understand.”
8. A new study shows vaccinating teenage girls against HPV doesn’t lead to an increase in risky sexual activity. So, back to the drawing board, teenage boys.
9. Thousands of mourners gathered in downtown Washington on Saturday to bid farewell to former mayor Marion Barry. There wasn’t a dry, non-bloodshot eye in the house, for various reasons.
10. The LA Galaxy won a record fifth Major League Soccer title with a 2-1 victory over the New England Revolution during Sunday’s MLS Cup. Said U.S. soccer fans, “We exist?”