December 11, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. A church in Alabama has started holding Sunday services at a local Buffalo Wild Wings restaurant. Because who needs to be saved more than people who spend their Sunday mornings at a Buffalo Wild Wings restaurant?

2. One of the two psychologists who devised the CIA’s harsh Bush-era interrogation methods said on Wednesday that the scathing U.S. Senate report on the torture of foreign terrorism suspects “took things out of context” and made false accusations. Said that psychologist, “Oh the things I would do if I got my hands on the guy who wrote that report.”

3. Yesterday, Pakistani teenager Malala Yousafzai and Indian activist Kailash Satyarthi received their Nobel Peace Prizes. And, during the same ceremony, a special prize was given to the guy who had to engrave their medals.

4. According to a new study, a man’s overall health may be reflected in the quality of his semen. Said the scientist in charged of the study, “I should have worn gloves.”

5. Yesterday, Time Magazine named the Ebola healthcare workers as its Person of the Year. “You’re welcome,” said Ebola.

6. According to a recent study, minoxidil, best known as a hair-loss treatment, may cause dangerous side effects if kids are accidentally exposed to it. Unless the kids are Greek, then it really doesn’t make much of a difference.

7. On Wednesday, health officials said that China is considering raising cigarette prices. So, if you’re Chinese, addicted to cigarettes, but can no longer afford them, a good substitute is just breathing the air over there.

8. A Wisconsin man told a sheriff’s deputy he had not been drinking, but rather eating beer-battered fish when he was pulled over for what would be his 10th drunken driving offense. The only thing worse than his idiotic excuse is that it took him ten tries to come up with it.

9. The CEO of Abercrombie & Fitch resigned yesterday. He said he wants to spend more time at home, with his family, dressing his kids like douchebags.

10. Poland’s former President Aleksander Kwaniewski acknowledged for the first time that he allowed the CIA to operate a secret interrogation center in his country, but denied that he knew prisoners were being tortured there. Said Kwaniewski, “I thought they were bringing them here for our … you know, to enjoy the … to revel in our … now that I think about it, the torture thing makes sense.”

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