December 9, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, a judge threw out a high-profile murder case against Shrien Dewani who was accused of killing his wife while they were on their honeymoon in South Africa. “It’s called precedent and you’re welcome,” said Oscar Pistorius.

2. Ralph Baer, the inventor of the first home video game console, has died at the age of 97. His last words were, “Just don’t let them put ‘Game Over’ on my tombstone.”

3. Thousands of Marines have been put on high alert around the world in advance of the anticipated release of a Senate report on coercive interrogation techniques as a precaution against a possible backlash. Said Marines, “We’ve got a better idea, get us the hell out of here.”

4. A new study shows vaccinating teenage girls against HPV doesn’t lead to an increase in risky sexual activity. So, back to the drawing board, teenage boys.

5. U.S. heath regulators estimate that consumers will suffer up to $5.27 billion in “lost pleasure” over 20 years when calorie counts on restaurant menus discourage people from eating high-calorie foods. But, if you ask me, I think U.S. regulators have underestimated American’s love of fatty foods and vastly overestimated their willingness to read things.

6. Actors Seth Rogen and James Franco appeared in an episode of the Discovery Channel’s “Naked and Afraid.” Once Rogen got naked, everyone got afraid.

7. In a recent interview, former President George W. Bush said that he refers to Hillary Clinton as his “sister-in-law.” Proving that politics isn’t the only thing Bush fails to grasp.

8. On Monday, the Orlando Predators of the Arena Football League suspended their head coach, Robert Keefe, following his arrest on a domestic battery charge after allegedly grabbing his girlfriend by the neck. Although Keefe can no longer be the Predator’s coach, he is now qualified to be their mascot.

9. Yesterday, the International Olympic Committee approved a plan to set up its own dedicated digital channel aimed at providing continuing exposure of the Games throughout the four-year Olympic cycle. So, if you’ve ever thought “Man, I love curling, I wish it were on TV year-round,” congratulations, you’re an idiot.

10. Early Monday morning, thieves, who trailed a van from a jewelry show in Illinois to a rest stop in Minnesota, smashed out the vehicle’s back windows and made off with over $500,000 of loose diamonds and jewelry. This wasn’t the first, nor will it be the last time that a stranger handled someone’s family jewels at a highway rest stop.

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