December 5, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. The Navy is looking into who secretly filmed female officers of a submarine crew while they were showering and changing clothes aboard the boat’s unisex bathroom. Maybe ask the guy who keeps screaming “Down periscope, down” a few questions.

2. Warren Buffett recently gave $25,000 to Ready for Hillary, a pro-Hillary Clinton political group. Said the third richest man in the world, “It was literally the least I could do.”

3. Warren Buffett recently gave $25,000 to Ready for Hillary, a pro-Hillary Clinton political group. Although I think it was in bad taste for Buffett to give it to Hillary by making it rain.

4. Yesterday it was announced that the next James Bond film will be entitled “Spectre.” It will reportedly feature the scariest villain of all time, Phil Spector.

5. On Thursday, Bill Cosby’s attorney issued a letter saying that a recent lawsuit accusing the comedian of sexually molesting a teenager four decades ago is an baseless attempt at extortion. More specifically, the letter said “The claims against Dr. Cosby by [insert name here] are without merit …”

6. A review of online ads for pediatric “sleep coaches” found that more than half do not have any previous health care or educational experience, and most have no more than a bachelor’s degree. Said one coach, “I just want to watch your kids sleep.”

7. Yesterday, Baltimore Ravens tackle Haloti Ngata was suspended by the NFL for the next four games for violating the league’s policy on performance enhancing drugs. Of course, if a video surfaces of Ngata actually taking the drugs, his suspension may increase.

8. USA Gymnastics announced on Thursday that the 2016 U.S. Olympic Men’s Trails will be held in St. Louis. Because apparently Missouri was running out of reasons to riot.

9. According to reports, North Korea has ordered people who share the same name as leader Kim Jong Un to change their names. Said the other Kim Jong Uns, “Yeah, because we were the ones giving us a bad name.”

10. After about 30 years of using the Italian-made Beretta as the primary sidearm for the U.S. military, the Pentagon is seeking a new gun contract. Those in charge will have the difficult decision of selecting an American-made firearm or going with one that actually works.

11. Last week, a mall Santa turned away a 7-year-old girl with autism and her service pit bull because he was afraid of her dog. Said the girl, “Hello, Jews.”

12. An animal rights group has petitioned the Swiss government to ban a traditional practice of eating cats for dinner and turning dogs into sausages. Said cats and dogs, “Hey Switzerland, what ever happened to you being neutral?”

13. A monkey has been on the loose in a suburban Tampa neighborhood for the past week. Which automatically makes that monkey the living thing with the least amount of diseases in all of Tampa.

14. According to a Scottish study published on Friday, reports of domestic violence increase significantly on days of certain soccer matches. A problem the NFL doesn’t have since all the domestic abusers are on the field.

15. According to a new study, rates of breast cancer recurrence fell by half between the 1980s and the early 2000s, due to improved treatments and increased screenings. Although, I think my “FBI: Female Breast Inspector” t-shirt had a little something to do with it as well.

16. According to research, police officers are at an increased risk for sudden cardiac death when performing stressful duties like chasing, restraining or fighting. “Not the way I do it,” said Darren Wilson.

17. Over the weekend, Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi wed longtime beau Jionni LaValle in a celebration inspired by “The Great Gatsby.” The movie, not the book, because the wedding was also a poorly conceived train wreck.

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